Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2010, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2010-07-19T23:13:49-04:00 2 daily Giving Blood - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1852440586.html You: Sitting in the donor waiting area at the Red Cross looking relaxed and cute as all get-out. Me: In the recovery area, dizzy and eating oatmeal-raisin cookies. It seemed we had some nice eye-contact, but on top of being dizzy I'm a bit shy, so I left without saying a word. Argh! You might be my type! <ul> <li> Location: Fairfax Red Cross <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-07-19T23:13:49-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1852440586.html Giving Blood - m4w text Stanley Park Seawall For Sale - Granite Blocks http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1830504092.html The Vancouver Seawall is getting demolished and getting replaced by a new concrete retaining wall. The current wall is constructed of granite blocks. Estimated volume of blocks is approx 890m3. The blocks will be sold as is, buyer to provide trucking, we will demolish and load the material. Any reasonable offer will be accepted for the stones. To inquire please call Shaun Office @ 604-952-xxxx Cell @ 778-228-xxxx Cheers <img src=http://blog.craigslist.org/1830504092.jpg> <ul> <li> Location: Stanley Park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-07-07T12:10:51-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1830504092.html Stanley Park Seawall For Sale - Granite Blocks text Seeking bodyguard named Betty http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1802444273.html I am a Paul Simon fan in my mid thirties. As my name is Al, for the past 20 years I've been searching for a friend named Betty with whom I could sing the Paul Simon song "You Can Call Me Al." Imagine how much fun we could have singing along with the lyrics and pointing at each other when our names are mentioned! We could sing it together on road trips with the windows down, at home with our stereos cracked loud, we can smile at each other knowingly when it's played in gas stations and grocery stores and text each other when we're apart and it comes on the radio. I'm especially looking forward to acting out our own version of the classic Paul Simon Chevy Chase music video. We can post it on Youtube! Just to be clear, I'm not really looking for a bodyguard (that's a lyric from the song haha!) just a friend named Betty. If you want we could maybe sing other Paul Simon songs at some point but I'd really rather we stick with our namesakes You Can Call Me Al. Of course I want proof your name is really Betty so when we meet I'll need to see a state issued photo ID with that name. I'll also accept Elizabeth, Roberta or Beatrix. Please write back soon I can't wait to hang out Sincerely -Your long lost pal!!! <img src=http://blog.craigslist.org/1802444273.jpg> <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-06-21T01:33:56-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1802444273.html Seeking bodyguard named Betty text BEAT IT WITH A REAL JO-BRO - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1755781713.html I'm a serious bro looking for a equally/more serious bro with fancy footwork. The idea is to tie our wrists together ala the "Beat It" video and then each JO/knife fight in a profound spiritual act of consensual hetero awesomeness. I would have done this way sooner but have little faith in humanity. Requirements: -access to an abandoned warehouse -old enough/built kinda awesome -maintains good eye contact -general intensity -cool moves -shades -leather jackets ( I had to give the one in the pic back - long story, I can tell you when we finish) -Bedazzler -basic knowledge of knife/sword/bat fight etiquette (I can teach you what I know if you are pretty serious about art like me) -can lift 80 lbs -bachelor's in something or equivalent experience -not a narc Whereas dudes/J-ing O are both undeniably awesome, I'm a straight bro. As in not gay. I just really love MJ and being open minded about new JO scenarios. We will basically play "Beat It" over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting. Winner finishes the most times, but points will be awarded for finishing first/accuracy. If you're the heter-bro I'm looking for, then we can JO furiously/competitively and then just hang or whatever. I've got laser tag too. I'm pretty serious about this. As in completely serious. If you touch my junk with anything but your own I will BF you in the M. Nerds/gays need not apply. I'M NOT GAY. P.S. - And I've gotten with hot chicks as recently as just now. "They told him don't you ever come around here Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear So beat it, just beat it" <ul> <li> Location: Philly <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="/about/best/phi/1755781713.1.jpg"> <img src="/about/best/phi/1755781713.2.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-05-23T17:13:27-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1755781713.html BEAT IT WITH A REAL JO-BRO - m4m text 1985 Space Shuttle Atlantis OV-104 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orl/1737878952.html Original owner, used, as-is, where-is. Currently flown 32 times (191 crews) for a total of 120,650,907 miles. Time in space, 293 days, 18 hours, 29 minutes, 37 seconds (as of STS-132). One possible mission remaining. Space Shuttle Atlantis (Orbiter Vehicle Designation: OV-104) is one of the three currently operational orbiters in the Space Shuttle fleet of NASA, the space agency of the United States. (The other two are Discovery and Endeavour.) Atlantis was the fourth operational shuttle built and was delivered to Kennedy Space Center in April 1985. In early 2008, NASA officials decided to keep Atlantis flying until 2010, the projected end of the shuttle program. This reversed a previous decision to retire Atlantis in 2008. History Atlantis is named after RV Atlantis, a two-masted sailing ship that operated as the primary research vessel for the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute from 1930 to 1966. The 460-ton ketch carried a crew of 17 and had room for 5 scientists. The former RV Atlantis is now commissioned as an oceanographic research vessel in the Argentine Naval Prefecture under the name Dr. Bernardo Houssay and finishing a lengthy period of restoration. Construction milestones January 29, 1979 Contract Award - Rockwell International March 30, 1980 Start structural assembly of crew module November 23, 1981 Start structural assembly of aft-fuselage June 13, 1983 Wings arrive at Palmdale from Grumman December 2, 1983 Start of final assembly April 10, 1984 Completed final assembly March 6, 1985 Rollout from Palmdale April 3, 1985 Overland transport from Palmdale to Edwards April 9, 1985 Delivery to Kennedy Space Center September 5, 1985 Flight Readiness Firing Notable missions Space Shuttle Atlantis lifted off on its maiden voyage on October 3, 1985, on mission STS-51-J, the second dedicated Department of Defense flight. It flew one other mission, STS-61-B, the second night launch in the shuttle program, before the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster temporarily grounded the shuttle fleet in 1986. Atlantis was used for ten flights between 1988 and 1992. Two of these, both flown in 1989, deployed the planetary probes Magellan to Venus (on STS-30) and Galileo to Jupiter (on STS-34). During another mission, STS-37 flown in 1991, Atlantis deployed the Compton Gamma Ray Observatory. Beginning in 1995 with STS-71, Atlantis made seven straight flights to the former Russian space station Mir as part of the Shuttle-Mir Program. When linked, Atlantis and Mir together formed the largest spacecraft in orbit at the time. Shuttle Atlantis has also delivered several vital components for the construction of the International Space Station (ISS). During the February 2001 mission STS-98 to the ISS, Atlantis delivered the Destiny Module, the primary operating facility for U.S. research payloads aboard the ISS. The Quest Joint Airlock, was flown and installed to the ISS by Atlantis during the mission STS-104 in July 2001. The first mission flown by Atlantis after the Space Shuttle Columbia disaster was STS-115, conducted during September 2006. The mission carried the P3/P4 truss segments and solar arrays to the ISS. On ISS assembly flight STS-122 in February 2008, Atlantis delivered the Columbus laboratory to the ISS. Columbus laboratory is the largest single contribution to the ISS made by the European Space Agency (ESA). In May 2009 Atlantis flew a 7 member crew to the Hubble Space Telescope for its Servicing Mission 4, STS-125. The mission was a success, with the crew completing five space walks to install new cameras, batteries, a gyroscope and other components to the telescope. Among the five space shuttles flown into space, Atlantis has conducted a subsequent mission in the shortest time after the previous mission when it launched in November, 1985 on STS-61-B, only 50 days after its previous mission, STS-51-J. The longest mission flown using shuttle Atlantis to date is STS-117 that lasted almost 14 days in June 2007. Atlantis is not equipped to take advantage of the Station-to-Shuttle Power Transfer System so missions cannot be extended by making use of power provided by ISS. During the STS-129 post-flight interview on 16 November, 2009 shuttle launch director Mike Leinbach said that Atlantis officially beat shuttle Discovery on the record low amount of Interim Problem Reports, with a total of just 54 listed since returning from the STS-125. He continued to add "It's due to the team and the hardware processing. They just did a great job. The record will probably never be broken again in the history of the Space Shuttle Program, so congratulations to them". Orbiter Maintenance Down Periods To date Atlantis has gone through two overhauls of scheduled Orbiter Maintenance Down Periods (OMDPs) during her operational history. Atlantis arrived at Palmdale, California in October 1992 for OMDP-1. During that visit 165 modifications were made over the next 20 months. These included the installation of a drag chute, new plumbing lines to configure the orbiter for extended duration, more than 800 new heat tiles and blankets and new insulation for main landing gear and structural mods to the airframe. On November 5, 1997, Atlantis again arrived at Palmdale for OMDP-2 which was completed on September 24, 1998. The 130 modifications carried out during OMDP-2 included glass cockpit displays, replacement of TACAN navigation with GPS and ISS airlock and docking installation. Several weight reduction modifications were also performed on the orbiter including replacement of Advanced Flexible Reusable Surface Insulation (AFRSI) insulation blankets on upper surfaces with FRSI. Moreover lightweight crew seats were installed and the Extended Duration Orbiter (EDO) package installed on OMDP-1 was removed to lighten Atlantis to better serve its prime mission of servicing the ISS. Planned decommissioning NASA had planned to withdraw Atlantis from service in 2008, as the orbiter would have been due to undergo its third scheduled OMDP. However, because of the final retirement of the shuttle fleet in 2010, this was deemed uneconomic. It was planned that Atlantis would be kept in near flight condition to be used as a parts hulk for Discovery and Endeavour. However, with the significant planned flight schedule up to 2010, the decision was taken to extend the time between OMDPs, allowing Atlantis to be retained for operations. Atlantis has been swapped for one flight of each Discovery and Endeavour in the current flight manifest. Atlantis is now projected to fly at least one more mission, STS-132, prior to the end of the shuttle program. Flights listing # Launch date Designation Launch Pad Landing Location Duration Notes 1 1985 October 3 STS-51-J 39A Edwards AFB 4 days, 1 hour, 44 minutes, 38 seconds First Atlantis mission; mission dedicated to Department of Defense. 2 1985 November 26 STS-61-B 39A Edwards AFB 6 days, 21 hours, 4 minutes, 49 seconds 3 communications satellites deployed: MORELOS-B, AUSSAT-2 and SATCOM KU-2. 3 1988 December 2 STS-27 39B Edwards AFB 4 days, 9 hours, 5 minutes, 37 seconds Mission dedicated to Department of Defense. 4 1989 May 4 STS-30 39B Edwards AFB 4 days, 0 hours, 56 minutes, 28 seconds Deployed Magellan probe. 5 1989 October 18 STS-34 39B Edwards AFB 4 days, 23 hours, 39 minutes, 20 seconds Deployed Galileo probe. 6 1990 February 28 STS-36 39A Edwards AFB 4 days, 10 hours, 18 minutes, 22 seconds Mission dedicated to Department of Defense. 7 1990 November 15 STS-38 39A KSC 4 days, 21 hours, 54 minutes, 31 seconds Mission dedicated to Department of Defense. 8 1991 April 5 STS-37 39B Edwards AFB 5 days, 23 hours, 32 minutes, 44 seconds Deployed Compton Gamma Ray Observatory. 9 1991 August 2 STS-43 39A KSC 8 days, 21 hours, 21 minutes, 25 seconds Deployed TDRS-5. 10 1991 November 24 STS-44 39A Edwards AFB 6 days, 22 hours, 50 minutes, 44 seconds Mission dedicated to Department of Defense. 11 1992 March 24 STS-45 39A KSC 8 days, 22 hours, 9 minutes 28 seconds Carried Atmospheric Laboratory for Applications and Science (ATLAS) mission 1. 12 1992 July 31 STS-46 39A KSC 7 days, 23 hours, 15 minutes, 3 seconds Deployed ESA European Retrievable Carrier and NASA Tethered Satellite System. 13 1994 November 3 STS-66 39B Edwards AFB 10 days, 22 hours, 34 minutes, 2 seconds Carried ATLAS mission 3. 14 1995 June 29 STS-71 39A KSC 9 days, 19 hours, 22 minutes, 17 seconds First shuttle docking with space station Mir. 15 1995 November 12 STS-74 39A KSC 8 days, 4 hours, 31 minutes, 42 seconds Carried docking module to Mir. 16 1996 March 22 STS-76 39B Edwards AFB 9 days, 5 hours, 16 minutes, 48 seconds Rendezvous with Mir, including crew transfer of Shannon Lucid. 17 1996 September 16 STS-79 39A KSC 10 days, 3 hours, 19 minutes, 28 seconds Rendezvous with Mir, including crew transfer of Shannon Lucid and John Blaha. 18 1997 January 12 STS-81 39B KSC 10 days, 4 hours, 56 minutes, 30 seconds Rendezvous with Mir, including crew transfer of John Blaha and Jerry Linenger. 19 1997 May 15 STS-84 39A KSC 9 days, 5 hours, 20 minutes, 47 seconds Rendezvous with Mir, including crew transfer of Jerry Linenger and Michael Foale. 20 1997 September 25 STS-86 39A KSC 10 days, 19 hours, 22 minutes, 12 seconds Rendezvous with Mir, including crew transfer of Michael Foale and David A. Wolf. 21 2000 May 19 STS-101 39A KSC 9 days, 21 hours, 10 minutes, 10 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (re-supply ISS). 22 2000 September 8 STS-106 39B KSC 11 days, 19 hours, 12 minutes, 15 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (re-supply ISS). 23 2001 February 7 STS-98 39A Edwards AFB 12 days, 21 hours, 21 minutes, 00 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (carried and assembled the Destiny Laboratory Module). 24 2001 July 12 STS-104 39B KSC 12 days, 18 hours, 36 minutes, 39 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (carried and assembled the Quest Joint Airlock). 25 2002 April 8 STS-110 39B KSC 10 days, 19 hours, 43 minutes, 48 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (carried and assembled the S0 truss segment). 26 2002 October 7 STS-112 39B KSC 10 days, 19 hours, 58 minutes, 44 seconds International Space Station assembly mission (carried and assembled the S1 truss segment). 27 2006 September 9 STS-115 39B KSC 11 days, 19 hours, 6 minutes, 35 seconds International Space Station resupply and construction (P3 and P4 truss segments). 28 2007 June 8 STS-117 39A Edwards AFB 13 days, 20 hours, 12 minutes, 44 seconds International Space Station resupply and construction (S3 and S4 truss segments). 29 2008 February 7 STS-122 39A KSC 12 days, 18 hours, 21 minutes, 50 seconds International Space Station construction (Columbus laboratory). 30 2009 May 11 STS-125 39A Edwards AFB 12 days, 21 hours, 37 minutes, 9 seconds Hubble Space Telescope Servicing Mission 4. 31 2009 November 16 STS-129 39A KSC 10 days, 19 hours, 16 minutes, 13 seconds International Space Station resupply and construction (ELC-1/ELC-2) 32 2010 May 14* STS-132 39A ** 12 days (planned) International Space Station construction (Mini-Research Module 1 and the cargo pallet, Integrated Cargo Carrier-Vertical Light Deployable) * No Earlier Than (Tentative) ** To Be Determined Remaining assigned missions * STS-335 – Launch On Need NASA announced in 2007 that 24 helium and nitrogen gas tanks in Atlantis are older than their designed lifetime. These composite overwrapped pressure vessels were designed for a 10 year life and later cleared for an additional 10 years; they exceeded this life in 2005. NASA said it cannot guarantee any longer that the vessels on Atlantis will not burst or explode under full pressure. Failure of these tanks could damage parts of the shuttle and even wound or kill ground personnel. An in-flight failure of a pressure vessel could even result in the loss of the orbiter and its crew. NASA analyses originally assumed that the vessels would leak before they burst, but new tests showed that they could in fact burst before leaking. Because the original vendor was no longer in business, and a new manufacturer could not be qualified before 2010, when the shuttles are scheduled to be retired, NASA decided to continue operations with the existing tanks. Therefore, to reduce the risk of failure and the cumulative effects of load, the vessels will be maintained at 80 percent of the operating pressure as late in the launch countdown as possible, and the launch pad will be cleared of all but essential personnel when pressure is increased to 100 percent. The new launch procedure will be employed during the remaining Atlantis launches if no other resolution is found. Atlantis will have to fly at least once under this requirement. After the STS-125 mission, a work light knob was discovered jammed in the space between one of Atlantis's front interior windows and the Orbiter dashboard structure. The knob was believed to have entered the space during flight, when the pressurized Orbiter was expanded to its maximum size. Then, once back on Earth, the Orbiter contracted, jamming the knob in place. Leaving "as-is" was considered unsafe for flight, and some options for removal (including window replacement) would have included a 6 month delay of Atlantis's next mission (planned to be STS-129). Had the removal of the knob been unsuccessful, the worst-case scenario is that Atlantis could have been retired from flight, leaving Discovery and Endeavour to complete the manifest alone. On 29 June 2009, Atlantis was pressurized to 17 psi/120 kPa (3psi-delta), which forced the Orbiter to expand slightly. The knob was then frozen with dry ice, and was successfully removed. Small areas of damage to the window were discovered where the edges of the knob had been embedded into the pane. Subsequent investigation of the window damage discovered a maximum defect depth of approximately 0.0003 in/0.0076 mm, less than the reportable depth threshold of 0.0015 in/0.038 mm and not serious enough to warrant the pane’s replacement. Valued at $1.7 billion, willing to take offers. Please contact NASA for details and flight support. <ul> <li> Location: Kennedy Space Center <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-05-12T18:40:08-04:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/orl/1737878952.html 1985 Space Shuttle Atlantis OV-104 text Emotionally unavailable woman seeking emotionally unavailable man http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1737517917.html You: -Must have a busy schedule. This must be legit. Holding down a 3.8 in the College of Engineering while working two jobs, running a business, publishing original research=busy. Sleeping in until 2 in the afternoon, smoking with your friends, watching re-runs of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”=not busy. That way, we can always blame everything on “timing.” (It’s not you or me) -Must play control games with me. I will push and shove, and it is your job to nonverbally put me in my place by constantly “taking control of the situation.” This is how you will establish your “dominance.” This will not be easy (but that’s what makes it fun). Other ways to “stay in control:” ask all the questions, do all of the interrogation. If I ever become upset, accuse me of being “emotional” or “unreasonable.” It's always "inside my head." Also, see me when it is convenient for you. Don't always answer my calls. Remain somewhat aloof. You don’t want to let me have the upper hand. -Must be willing to banter back and forth with me. I will get bored and lose interest otherwise. -Must be into exciting and potentially dangerous activities, like stealing road signs, driving like a maniac, and getting arrested by the police. Actually, scratch that last one. There is a difference between risky and reckless. Then there is “retarded.” (I’m still undecided on where to place “posting personal ads on Craigslist.”) In turn, will never call you too much (although I won’t hesitate to call you out) nor will I make you feel guilty about not “spending enough time with me.” I won’t nag you about commitment (or “where this relationship is going”) because it will never be “that” serious. We won’t talk about feelings because—well, I’d rather not. Only short-listed applicants will be contacted (no phone calls or multiple e-mails, please). <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-05-12T12:20:40-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sba/1737517917.html Emotionally unavailable woman seeking emotionally unavailable man text My Porn Watching Pig Boyfriend http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nhm/1629950745.html So you like watching these porn-sluts get pounded and creamed? OK, I get it, I kind of like some of that too. It's rather entertaining, if not slightly disturbing/fascinating to WATCH. But now you're getting all fucked up with me, and although I keep taking it from you, you're probably on the way out, and I'm trying to think of ways to get you back. Because, at the end of the day, the "new" hardcore is rather degrading, and there are too many limits being pushed. Here are a few of mine that keep getting tested: 1) If you don't stop slapping my tits and pinching my nipples that way, you won't ever see them again. I hope you like my parka, cause it's going to become my new lingerie. 2) Don't ever spit on my face again, I think I made that clear, sorry about the sore balls. 3) I used to feel proud that I could swallow, now I feel pretty gross after you dick whip me and make me eat it off your cock and fingers like it's punishment. I would do all that for you anyway, but when you hold my hair and call me names and make me, there's that line I was talking about. 4) Pussy to mouth is kind of freaky, I'm totally ok with that. Ass to mouth is something else altogether, stop even joking about it. If you should ever decide to "forge ahead" with that one and see how it goes, I'll bite your fucking dick off, I swear I will. If I don't manage that in the moment, I'll get you in your sleep. Thanks for listening sweetheart. By the way how did your coffee taste this morning? <ul> <li> Location: to boyfriends everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-03-05T13:18:48-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nhm/1629950745.html My Porn Watching Pig Boyfriend text Looking for a beard mentor http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1628697112.html I've had a moustache and beard off and on over the years, and I've tried styling it in the past but I just can't seem to get it to the next level. I'm looking for some srs protips with this, as well as possibly some styling services by someone with skilled hands. Please submit to me your beard/moustache resume. Also if you have pictures of you achievements that would be greatly appreciated. I'm currently having trouble with getting my handlebar working correctly as well as keeping the sideburns even. This is 'srs bsns' (serious business) as I've been informed I need to style it up, shave it off, or loose my job. (I work in adult daycare.) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: negotiable depending on services </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-03-04T15:40:24-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1628697112.html Looking for a beard mentor text Penis Measuring http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1625829503.html A friend of mine and I have been having a long-standing argument about whose penis is larger. We've tried having our girlfriends confirm to the other the exact size, but neither one of us buy it. I don't want to see his penis and he doesn't want to see mine. I don't want my girlfriend looking at his penis and he doesn't was his looking at mine. So... We just need a girl to look at both of our penises (individually) and then to both of our faces say which one is bigger. We can't pay much. $50. <ul> <li> Location: Vancouver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: $50 </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-03-02T18:01:20-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1625829503.html Penis Measuring text Contest to be my boss! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1625610355.html I am a graphic artist and in need of a job. I have decided to fill this need the same way many people think the can fill their graphic design needs; with a contest! Here is how it will work; Send me one weeks worth of salary and benefits. I will keep all of the checks that are sent to me and use all of the benefits. Whoever sends me the best salary and benefits package will win the contest and get the prize of two days of graphic design work!!! Good Luck! I am really looking forward to recieving your payment packages! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: 2 days of Graphic Design work </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-03-02T16:28:04-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1625610355.html Contest to be my boss! text Stately Dutch MILF Magnet http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1624333458.html This is a Batavus "PERSONAL" delivery bike. It's black, has one speed, a coaster brake, a kick stand, chain case, racks, and a dynamo lighting system. I discovered it in the basement of the Smith and Butler boutique in Carrol Gardens last October. I am selling this bicycle because my therapist suggested I need to come to terms with my attraction to african-american women. No sister is going to date a 34 year old systems administrator riding a european grocery bike. However, when I would cruise slowly down Park Slope's fifth avenue, panties would literally fly off of every white or asian woman with a stroller and a master's degree. I live in Williamsburg now and the bike confuses most of the women here. If I grow my moustache out a little and explain it only has one speed "like a fixie" I can sometimes get to second base. But for the most part I might as well have a soul patch and collect classic cameras. If you want to get some action I'd only take this baby out south of Atlantic Avenue. Spring is coming and if you like flat-assed waspy moms who went to Vassar, this is the ride you need. $300 O.B.O. <ul> <li> Location: Williamsburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-03-01T23:20:58-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1624333458.html Stately Dutch MILF Magnet text Spacious Studio Igloo http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1624094833.html Looking for a renter for a 70 square foot igloo (4' x 5' entrance tunnel, 4' radius living area.) An excellent choice for EMU art students as it is located right next to the Ford Building on Eastern's campus. Quiet neighborhood consisting mostly of squirrels. Heat, plumbing and electric not provided. Water included (must be melted by occupant.) Includes hole in roof for bonfires to prevent asphyxiation. Neighborhood security provided free by campus police. $200 a month OBO. *Landlord not responsible for property melting. W. Cross Ave at Normal St. (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.google.com/?q=loc%3A+W%2E+Cross+Ave+at+Normal+St%2E+Ypsilanti+MI+US">google map</a>) (<a target="_blank" href="http://maps.yahoo.com/maps_result?addr=W%2E+Cross+Ave+at+Normal+St%2E&csz=Ypsilanti+MI&country=US">yahoo map</a>) <ul> <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li> Location: EMU / Ypsilanti <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1624094833.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-03-01T20:10:03-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1624094833.html Spacious Studio Igloo text Dear University Alumni Office http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1619190174.html Dear University Alumni Office, I'm sorry to hear that the university's $750 million endowment has fallen in value to $500 million because of the recession and because your bank died. I'm also sorry to hear that you're dealing with declining enrollment due to the fact that middle-class families are no longer willing or able to bet their homes on a $45,000-a-year higher education for their children. I really am. So, what I want to know is, why are you wasting money on glossy fundraising brochures full of meaningless synonyms for the word "Excellence"? And, why are you sending them to ME? Yes, I know that I got a master's degree at your fine institution, but that master's degree hasn't done jack shit for me since I got it! I have been unemployed for the past TWO YEARS and I am now a professional resume-submitter, sending out dozens of resumes a month to employers, and the degree I received in your hallowed halls is at the TOP OF IT and it doesn't do a fucking thing. You know, maybe if you wanted a little bit of money from me (and these days you'd get about $3) maybe you should send me a fancy color brochure admitting your role in the bubble economics that got us all in to this mess. For example, since 1987, higher education expenses have gone up 450 percent, while personal income in this country has gone up 87 percent, making tuition IMPOSSIBLE to afford without special financing. But, during this time, you were thriving because people could come up with the cash in two ways: 1. Get a home equity loan and use the inflated value of their house to pay for their kid to get drunk and/or raped at your school and then lose the house when the market crashed. 2. Get a federal loan. HAD IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT NEITHER OF THESE SOURCES OF MONEY ACTUALLY EXIST? THAT IT WAS BEING MANUFACTURED BECAUSE YOU MADE PEOPLE THINK THAT ONE OF YOUR DEGREES WAS NECESSARY TO CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE BUBBLE? Oh yes, federal loans. I've got $40,000 of those, which are in "forebearance" right now because I'm unemployed, meaning that the feds are paying the interest for a while, which is convenient for me, but not for our government which is now owned by China. You know, the idea behind federal loans was that it would allow more students to attend your university, not let you INFLATE your tuition to obscene levels! I mean, what the fuck were you spending the $16,000 per semester on, anyway? I was in a public policy program, so that meant we got to sit in classrooms and listen to Professor God up at the front of the lecture hall glorify Himself and Creation as He saw it and talk about how much smarter he was than anyone else and how much he'd learned at MIT and the RAND Corporation. Really, that's about all you did for us -- gave us a lecture hall, gave us an arrogant bastard to listen to, and gave us a room full of computers we could use sometimes, and you gave us a degree that employers look at and say "This guy knows how to write reports. Amusing." And I will be paying for this privilege until I am 51 years old. So I'm sorry that the economy's been rough on you. Maybe, if you wanted to save a little money, you could stop printing and sending brochures to my parents' house (oh yeah, that's where I live because I can't afford rent on ANYTHING). And, maybe I'll donate a little bit of money to you in 2030, when I get the loans for your imaginary education PAID OFF! Sincerely yours, Alumnus <ul> <li> Location: Seattle, WA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-26T11:35:51-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1619190174.html Dear University Alumni Office text Using a Port-a-Potty http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/snj/1618848861.html With all the recent postings regarding ettiquette in various sectors of "service", I've decided to post one of my own. I am employed as a Port-a-Potty technician, and I'd appreciate it if you'd take a moment to follow these simple rules the next time you're in one of my outdoor comodes: (1.) Curb the urge to inscribe your ex-lover's name, telephone number and favorite sexual performance on the inside walls. Even though I met my current wife by calling one of these phone numbers, they're usually just made up or out of service. (2.) Try to deposit all of your feces inside the sitting platform hole. Some people seem to have trouble with this one, and it is very difficult for me to scrape dried fecal matter from the very porous plastic platform. (3.) Refrain from writing your initials/gang affiliation on the walls inside the septic unit using your feces. (4.) I realize it makes a good prank, but please stop tipping the septic unit while your friend is inside with his/her bowels in full action. Someone could be seriously injured while the unit is rolled over with a person inside and/or the fecal matter and urine inside the tank overflows. It creates more of a mess than the prank is worth. (5.) This one's for the women patrons...kindly deposit your soiled tampons, maxi-pads, panty-liners, or whatever menstrual cycle fluid absorbant you choose inside the built-in disposal compartment. Some of our lady patrons seem to think the built-in urinal is a good place to dispose of them, but I must say you're misinformed. That feature is designed for male patrons to urinate, and your tampon merely clogs the drain hole. (6.) Do not attempt to retrieve your cell phone, wallet, nose piercing, penis ring, keys, wedding ring or whatever else you consider valuable and have dropped inside the fecal matter collection bin. As a dedicated Septic Tank Technician, I am entitled to my Tips as well, and as the old saying goes: "finders keepers, losers weepers". (7.) After performing sexual acts in one of my Port-a-Potty units, kindly discard your soiled condoms and wrappers in the appropriate trash container. Don't simply leave them on the floor for me to pick up later. Your dried semen is more difficult than chewing gum to scrape off the floor. (8.) Do not smoke in the septic unit. Your feces emit a highly explosive gas, and can ignite when exposed to flame. Serious bodily injury or even death could result!! Besides, I have a security deposit on each of the septic units I'm responsible for. (9.) Kindly be environmentally aware that using too much toilet paper doesn't necessarily mean better wiping action. Years of research has indicated that, properly used, 2 feet of toilet paper is equally effective as 6 feet in fecal matter absorbing action. (10.) No matter how creative you may be, please refrain from sticking a fully-loaded wad of toilet paper on the inside walls of the septic unit. Yes, it may present a pleasant art display (when properly dried) for other patrons to enjoy, but it becomes very difficult to remove. (11.) Be considerate of your fellow citizens waiting to use the septic unit after you. Napping and/or sleeping in one of our septic units is prohibited. If you're that tired, go to the rest room at your local bus depot. Well, thank you for taking the time to read my post. Think of me the next time you're out and about and feel the sudden urge to relieve your bowels/bladder. Have a nice day!! <ul> <li> Location: parking lot <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-26T11:39:08-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/snj/1618848861.html Using a Port-a-Potty text free toilet, needs tlc http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/1616580496.html Could be fixed up. A little dirty, and it leaked and overflowed last time it was used. My son stuffed a action figure down it, so if anyone picks this up and fixes it, can you drop the action figure back off at my house? My son would really appreciate it. Thanks <ul> <li> Location: richmond <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1616580496.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-24T20:06:06-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/1616580496.html free toilet, needs tlc text Totally AWESOME Kimball Organ http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1614955019.html Dude, this thing is sick. You need this organ. Find out why this does not turn on and then you will be ready to rock out, or play some hymns at your local church! Make an offer, any offer! Any trades considered! Would love to trade for a cute puppy like this: <img src="http://cdn.videogum.com/img/thumbnails/photos/puppy.jpg"> Check out this video of what you could be doing in just a few short weeks of practice: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE8Mv5ww4BM&feature=related">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE8Mv5ww4BM&feature=related</a> Here is a picture of the glorious beast. <img src="http://img535.imageshack.us/img535/8513/organ.jpg"> There is a good chance that it stopped working because we brought it out in the snow to play while we snowboarded in our front yard.. Come get it before this weekend and I'll throw in a <a> free high five!</a> Yeah dude! <img src="http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/7954/sthowtoff.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Lakewood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-23T17:49:27-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1614955019.html Totally AWESOME Kimball Organ text WTT High Fives for any Musical Instrument http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bhm/1614891621.html Have some instruments (pianos, trumpets, guitars, hurdy-guydys) that you need to get rid of? I will take these off of your hands, and in return you will receive a solid High Five. I have been told that my high fives are top-notch, so this is a very good deal. I will take just about any bass, flute, mandolin, violin, tuba, what have you...I am not picky. So hit me up with an awesome email and let's strike a deal. Local deals only. No traveling to high-five you. Low Fives also, though they aren't as satisfying. Here's what we'd be looking at: <ul> <li> Location: Birmingham <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1614891621.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-23T19:05:33-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bhm/1614891621.html WTT High Fives for any Musical Instrument text To the redheaded MILF jogging in the park Sunday morning, apologies - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1613632095.html I hope you realize that my perving was directed at you and only you, and absolutely no part of it was meant for your young daughter (niece? juvenile jogging companion?). As implied, I enjoy the perks of jogging at Audubon, and one of those is a bit of ogling on the sly. It helps me forget that it's been too long since I was jogging regularly, and I usually wear sunglasses to keep my baser proclivities to myself. You are stacked, I like redheads, my sunglasses were missing...you see where this is going. Anyway, I must congratulate you on getting your young companion to to run completely concealed behind you, only to emerge at what was, for me, the worst possible time. Do you practice that? It must be the best ogle-stopper in the business. I swear, when she popped out from behind you, my libido panicked and imploded in about a nanosecond, and it took effort not to loose a cry of "Dirty pool!" Well played, MILF. Anyway, I am sorry if the young lady was hit with creep-shrapnel. That really isn't my thing. I apologize if my perusing of your goods was offensive, too. See you around? <ul> <li> Location: Audubon Park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-22T23:08:01-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1613632095.html To the redheaded MILF jogging in the park Sunday morning, apologies - m4w text You stole my freakin' cameras http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1612563385.html Hi, Last night you stole two of my cameras outside Angelica's Kitchen on 2nd Avenue and 12th street. I figured you'd try to sell them here, unless thieves are photo enthusiasts. You might make an honest living taking photos of shit you stole, hell that might make a great Gallery Title, "The Shit I Stole: Reflections on Urban Living in The 21st Century". You might even get into Francesca Woodman-style self-portraits that you could take with my stolen cameras, make them real artistic, with a shallow depth of field, that's what you can afford (or I guess, can't afford because you are a damn thief) when you have a 50mm prime lens attached to the Canon A-1 (that's the black one that you stole) that opens up to a 1.4. Fuck yeah, I'm giving you photography lessons, so at least you can shoot right, I mean what the hell were you gonna do with two cameras that no one wants anyway-- don't try to sell it to some Midwestern tourists in Times Square, man, don't sell it in Times Square in general. It's a 35mm film camera, who the hell wants to pay fro processing now that you can take a picture with your cell phone? Why didn't you steal my cell phone instead? The camera on it is a piece of shit, and you would be making much more money off that, and I hate my phone so you'd be doing me a favor. In your grubby hands you have a Canon AE-1-- that's the silver one with a zoom lens on it. You can set it to automatic exposure so you wouldn't have to figure out metering or f-stops. Also you can really impress some chicks with the blue-jeans denim strap that comes with it, because you will look like Peter Parker in the sense that you will resemble a nerdy high school photographer from the late 70s. You should really do yourself a favor and get some polyester pants. You will not impress anyone else, however, because it's just about the most basic student camera Canon's ever made. And that A-1? It doesn't belong to me, so double fuck you for stealing my camera and stealing my friend's camera. He got that for $10 from his friend's mom on Long Island, so don't expect to sell it for any more, unless you're selling it to other assholes like yourself. It's got a squeaky shutter and might not take anything past 1/125 (that's the shutter speed, you moron, it means the shutter is open for 1/125 of a second, to refresh your memory), unless you wanna get real artsy and overexpose everything. Finally, there are some miscellaneous shit in there: a Firewire 800 Cable - this will not be much of use to you Camera Logs - like you'd even understand them a half-read secondhand copy of Albert Camus' The Plague - Listen, you dick. I was 110 pages into that and until I buy another secondhand copy of that book I'll never find out what happened to Dr. Rieux and the rest of the people in Oran. Maybe you could skim through it and summarize what I missed in a book report. I dunno, man, maybe you're in the middle of an existential crisis, that's why you're stealing shit, right? to assert your existence or whatever. well, you should read that book. you might get a kick out of it. just don't use it for kindling for your garbage-can fire under the 59th street bridge. Three rolls of shot film - This is what I'm pissed off about the most. I took some pictures over the weekend with those cameras and they're still loaded with film. I hope you didn't open them in daylight like an idiot, not knowing that the little cardboard square that said "Ektachrome 64" under the viewfinder meant that it's LOADED, you fuck. There are shot rolls of Portra 800, 50D, and 1600 in there (film speeds-- the higher the number, the more sensitive the film, you jackass) that are pretty important to me, and would have absolutely no use to you. If you could do me a favor and drop those off at Forum Photo on Waverly and Washington Square East-- ask for George (I will not ask him to punch you in the mouth), or just drop it off under the name "Jerk McAllister". You can even shoot the rest of the rolls in those cameras and I will pay for matte prints with a white border for you, so you can show your thief buddies all your photographic skills. I can already picture the great canted angles and center-framing you're cooking up while looking for someone to take those cameras off you so you can get your next heroin fix. Keep the freakin' cameras if you want. They were cheap. They'll come and go and to be honest they were kind of on their last legs. I just want the freakin' film. You can even keep the leather case, I'm not sure if it's real leather anyway. You're probably not up for this but I might as well ask, there might be some sort of Robin Hood-like pity in your burglar heart. Of course, I'm perfectly aware that you might have just been a Good Samaritan and returned it to a police station or you're looking for clues around the the case to determine who it might belong to. If this is the case, then you can disregard all that mean shit and I hope you email me about getting it back. I'll even throw you a couple of bucks and buy you lunch. But I'm also perfectly aware that if this was the case it would be raining gumdrops from marshmallow clouds and we'd all be singing showtunes. So, more likely than not, you stole it, and now you're trying to sell it on craigslist. So fuck you. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-22T13:02:39-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1612563385.html You stole my freakin' cameras text Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1611490608.html Below is my list of the Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads. If YOUR ad does not contain any of the following phrases, please contact me immediately! 10) "I live life to the fullest!" (Is this really the most profound philosophical statement you can come up with? Dig a little deeper, Nietzsche.) 9) "Loves to laugh" or "Fun-loving" (Alright! A person who enjoys laughter and fun. What a rare individual; I must meet her at once. Just once I'd like to see "loves to sob uncontrollably for days on end.") 8) "I'm ____ years old but I look MUCH younger!" (Sure you do. And if I just did a couple more sit-ups, I could still make the Giants starting lineup. Is self-delusion great or what?) 7) "I'm a down to earth..." (If I see this phrase one more time, I'll... I'll... I don't know WHAT I'll do! I might be forced to actually turn off my computer and go interact with people in the REAL world. Okay, I probably wouldn't do anything THAT drastic. But you get the idea.) 6) "I can go from jeans to a cocktail dress in 10 minutes!" (You must be very proud. I can't believe they haven't made this an Olympic event yet.) 5) "I'm a intelegent..." (If you can't SPELL intelligent... do you see where I'm going with this? Class? Anyone?) 4) "I'm a typical (insert astrological sign here)." (Astrology? Yeah, it's a science. I think they use it at NASA. I don't even know where to begin here. If you're looking for some insight into the nature of my character, don't ask me what my sign is. Talk to the Easter Bunny, he has the real inside track on me.) 3) "I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed!" (Trust me, I will.) 2) "Looking for THE ONE" or "Looking for my Soulmate" (Really? These are the most fresh and original lines you can come up with? Your mother and I had such high hopes for you. Oh well, there's always trade school.) And the Number One Most Overused Phrase In A Personal Ad is... 1) "Don't worry, I plan to loose [sic] the weight real soon." (Ok, it's probably just me, but why am I still worried?) Put them all together, and the end result usually looks something like this.... "Fun-loving, down-to-earth woman with 5 kids from 5 different fathers seeks a intelegint guy who loves to laugh. Must be in shape! I'm temporarily 50 pounds overweight, but don't worry, I plan to loose the weight right after I finish these fries! Must look like Brad Pitt and be no older than 35! I'm 49 but I look MUCH younger! I don't have a pic, but trust me, you won't be disappointed! I'm a Libra so I live life to the fullest! I get along best with Geminis who have six-figure incomes! Must have a big heart and a bigger house, cuz the landlord just kicked us out!" (Well, as long you have realistic expectations.) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-21T15:04:30-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1611490608.html Top Ten Most Overused Phrases In Personal Ads text Sex and Periods. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tul/1611029246.html Ahhh, Sunday morning - my favorite time of the week. The house is quiet; the coffee is brewing; and I'm sitting in front of my computer anticipating another one of life's wonderful little pleasures: perusing Craigslist's Casual Encounters. There is nothing quite as satisfying (and, dare I say, stimulating?) as scrolling through the smorgasbord of sexual delights that is offered free-of-charge via Craig's Online Hook-Up Service. But, lately, I've been having a problem with periods. Yeah, periods. Now, normally 'periods' and 'sex' are not something that most people want to talk about - at least NOT in the same sentence - but I think that the time has come for us to open up, and to admit that maybe there IS a place where periods and sex can coexist. Take the following post, for example: "lookin 4 a guy who is hott ready to have fun and get me off not just sex but mentally as well be cute or dont aply be with in my age younger is ok and will consider a suga daddy!!! have fun good luck" This sounds great...doesn't it? (I'm hott, cute, and would be a good suga daddy!) But what about her periods? Is she old enough to have periods? Is she missing her periods? Maybe she's too embarrassed to include periods in her posting. This has got to stop! There is no reason why women can't use periods in their postings when they are offering sex. It's natural; it's normal; people will understand; and, frankly, it just makes sense. Why should women be embarrassed about periods, or be afraid to use them in their postings? Sure, sometimes periods are a pain, sometimes they can be an inconvenience, and sometimes it's just easier to skip them, but there is no reason why sex and periods can't go together. I enjoy my Sunday-morning trolling, but I'll take my sex with periods (and exclamation marks!)...anytime. Period. <ul> <li> Location: That Time of Month. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-21T11:51:25-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tul/1611029246.html Sex and Periods. text I stomped on your fire, you choked on a biscuit http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1610814882.html You: passed out on the grass after choking on a biscuit and slamming your car into a guardrail at Franklin and Harding Me: driver of silver bug with 2 women in the car who stopped and put your car fire out. It's been a bad month, so if you would get me a new fire extinguisher, I would appreciate it. Also don't eat while driving in the future, it's dangerous, as you discovered. <ul> <li> Location: Nashville, TN <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-21T09:09:53-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1610814882.html I stomped on your fire, you choked on a biscuit text Broken and not sure if I can be put back together http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1610645451.html I just got out of a really bad long term relationship, so yeah i guess you can say I have baggage, My ex was very violent and abusive, yeah i am talking black eyes violent,not only that but i was lied to and cheated on too. so im very very shaky and am not completely comfortable with men right now, i feel like a abused puppy you see at the shelter who shakes when you pet them, i know half the guys who read this have already stopped reading and have moved on past me but if you read on im going to just going to word vomit this all out, I’m not normal but I am average, I’m not sane, but I’m not crazy. I probably make less sense than anyone you have ever met, I see people all day saying what they are good at, how great they feel about it, I am not that person, I need a companion in my life, I feel I need someone more than anyone, but I won’t get mine in the typical way, I am not going to sit here and tell you all the “ wonderful” things about me, I am going to sit here and tell you everything about me which is annoying, weird, and just not attractive. If you feel you can handle the things I have to say then read on. I don’t have time to sit and make my life more miserable by wasting it with a self absorbed creep who thinks they are god, you’re not, because there is no god, only enlightenment. We are each just made up of the same cells as all things, don’t feel superior. Here is goes, if you are not running after you read this list, I think you have the reward of reading on to the good things I feel I have to offer another human being……. I am: Short tempered Somewhat lazy when I have no interest mostly sad and melancholy poor rude at times suffer from OCD easily obsessed still live at home hold on to things more than a normal human being would have a horrible phobia of foam I don’t work out im 6ft tall not fat big boned I hate being pressured in any situation HATE shopping will twist what you say just because I am a bitch although I don’t mean to getting over the “other” still have a drinking problem Now the things I enjoy, you can either like or dislike them entirely up to you, it is whether you can handle them: I like anime TALL guys chick movies the water tea all music sleeping raw oysters seafood in general tanning salons hot wings cats great danes tattoos and holes in myself VAMPIRES hookahs cooking BOOZE broadway the internet, ie facebook some moderate smoking super loyal very honest don’t mind the sunshine and more booze….. so here is me, tall blonde and green eyed,please send me a picture as well with a description of who you are, last time i tried this i got a million responses but no one wrote about who they are, i need to know SOMETHING about you. :) <ul> <li> Location: south austin <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-21T01:23:36-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1610645451.html Broken and not sure if I can be put back together text UT Girls Not Brave Enough for Secluded Campus Encounters - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1610569243.html You! Slim, with the black hair We had the whole floor of the law library (now apparently being renovated) to ourselves. It was late at night, we were both stealing glances at each other. We got around to talking at last, and I asked you if you were going to be studying all night. "Oh yes, all night," you said, pausing to smile invitingly before you added, "At least, that's the plan..." There were plenty of empty, dark rooms, offering stupid amounts of fooling-around possibilities to us. But you ended up being too scared to go beyond anything but the blind under-the-table groping, constantly scanning the area as if some unseen (possibly Catholic?) authority figure was going to leap upon us--"Fornicators!"--and, I don't know, lock us in a frightening gun store bondage basement to be sodomized (which would seemingly contradict the whole Catholic impression I first had). Anyway, for some reason, the countless shadowed nooks and crannies we could have been cavorting in seemed less favorable to you than our table in the middle of the room, devoid of any cover whatsoever. Maybe you were afraid I would murder you or something? Whatever. The building closed. I left frustrated that we had come so close to a possibly fulfilling impromptu encounter. And you! Really hot blonde in the PCL lab that one night! We made out for a minute or two, I got handfuls of your great ass through your tights. We heard somebody coming around the corner, broke apart, waited for them to pass. After that you seemed to lose your nerve, even though we were literally standing right in front of an empty room no one had any reason to enter! You were convinced that somebody would walk in on us. So our encounter, which had only just been starting to get really hot, came to an abrupt and lame "separate-ways" ending. I went home that night with a seemingly permanent erection and masturbated in frustration and anger against God. Against all the world. It could have been so good. And goddamn you, gorgeous short-haired brunette with the Death From Above 1979 tote bag and great taste in music who I ran into in the Union. The place was practically dead, and those bathroom stalls on the third floor are impossibly clean! I tried to explain this to you, but you, too, lacked the courage, convinced that we would be heard. Please UT girls. I like private home-made sex as much as anybody, but these opportunities are rare goddamned semi-public-sex unicorns. They will not roam the halls of the retirement home you will eventually inhabit once your children have back-stabbed you and imprisoned you there. By then you will be drooling and possibly rambling about the time uncle Jo left all the cat food out and the cat ate too much of it and my it smelled awful in that house for days until the cat finally died and a wild "ky-oat" or summit dragged the carcass into the forest one night and oh are you my husband? Just make this semester a little more exciting. <ul> <li> Location: UT <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-20T22:54:53-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1610569243.html UT Girls Not Brave Enough for Secluded Campus Encounters - m4w text Take a few pictures for cash (female) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/1610033654.html Looking for a good looking girl, ages 18-25 to take a few pictures with me. In medical school. Went through a bad breakup and told my parents I had a new girlfriend so they'd leave me alone. Pay is $80. Totally clothed. Take a few pictures. Done in 5 minutes. $80. Attach picture and I will respond. No travel required. <ul> <li> Location: Cleveland/surrounding <li> Compensation: $80 <li> This is a contract job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-20T15:49:20-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cle/1610033654.html Take a few pictures for cash (female) text You aren't looking for them, but I found your two dogs. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1607058449.html Sigh. No one is looking for these guys. And I see why. They hump everything in sight, try to dominate our old doggies, try to eat our cats and pee on everything and bark at everything. Neurotic, lick constantly. They know no commands, either in English or Spanish. They are aggressive and probably lived in a puppy mill. You dumped them, probably, and we picked them up before they were killed by traffic. Unneutered, no tags, under 1 year old small males. I hate you, person who dumped these dogs. There are no lost ads on phone poles, no lost ad on Craig's list, no lost ad in the paper. We put signs up all over, put a found notice in at the local pounds and if you were looking for these filthy little ragamuffins, you would have found them. We are afraid to take them to the pound because under stress, your dogs were snappy and horribly afraid and dogs are judged by temperament for adoption placement. They would not have passed that test. However..... They are, under their filth, mats and horrible habits, adorable. They have learned "Quiet," "Come," "Sit." They have stopped being so neurotic and we have broken most of their bad habits in just a few days. They are smart and sweet and are looking for guidance and WANT to be good little dogs. One is a purebred little white and buff guy with an under bite, the other is a brown little dog that looks almost exactly like a miniature version of a larger breed dog. They know each other and were obviously (by the same bad habits) raised (poorly) together. We will get them neutered, train them and get them into a good, loving home with people who use the brains God gave them. If these are your dogs, come on by, I'd like to kick your ass. <ul> <li> Location: Atlanta <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-18T16:42:03-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1607058449.html You aren't looking for them, but I found your two dogs. text How To Catch A Date On CL http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/1605343796.html Gentlemen, Here are some words of semi-wisdom from a real live 30-something woman on how to up your chances that a real, live woman will respond to your post. 1. She probably won't. That's right - women really do rule the roost here. Respond to her post. But... 2. If you are up for a challenge and can write funny (you know who you are), then you definitely have an advantage. 3. If you're not sure whether or not you can write funny, you can't. See points below. 4. Stop whining about getting spam. You are a man posting on CL. You will get spam. Deal. 5. Put your age in your ad. 6. If you're a man 25 years or younger, go to a bar and get rejected in person. It builds character. 7. Unless a woman asks you to send you a picture of your penis, refrain from emailing or putting this type of picture in your post. I believe there is this thing called "internet porn" (perhaps you have heard about it) where I can look at all the penises I want to. 8. The "I wonder if he is a serial killer" photo. Oh, you know what I'm talking about. The photo shot of your bare torso in the mirror sans head. Id rather see no picture at all because all I can think about is "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again" from The Silence of the Lambs. But if you are looking to give off the serial killer vibe, then you're on the right track! 9. HEADLINES IN ALL CAPS will only get you noticed because its fucking annoying. Lets look at an example. FACE DOWN ,ASS Up and let me HANDLE it. Oh, yes, Im all over that. It made me really hot that you apparently dont know where a comma should go. Oh yeah baby. 10. For all you $$ generous guys out there your prices are way too low, especially if you want that hot college coed. $2000/month for up for 4-5 times a month is a good market value price to begin with. And, no, I am not a pro. 11. Speaking of non-pro only did I miss the day where people stopped using the word hooker or is that just a sly enough euphemism so that your post wont get removed? Does this mean that us non-pros are not pros in the bedroom because youre not paying for sex? ;) 8. You write defensively and are mad as hell and are not going to take it anymore. Example: "I'm a hot guy with really high standards. I make a lot of money. What is up with all the fat chicks here? Im so sick of this shit. If you email me, send my your stats AND a picture. I mean, I'm a hot guy." And blah, blah blah... Gee, I like nothing more than going out with someone who is angry, defensive and who is incredibly sexually frustrated. Good times! If you are that bent out of shape, call a hooker. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you're safe. I'll save the "non-pro only" commentary for another time. 9. Run spell check, use apostrophes (e.g., "ur" instead of "your or you're") and there's this thing called a space bar that should have come with your computer - use it. 10. Women will most likely not list their weight in a post. Swap photos in the first or second email exchange. If she's reluctant to send a picture, this could be a red flag or she may not know how to use any basic computer program where she can send a photo showing her body type without her face. Come to think of it, this could be a red flag as well. 11. There are no real 18-22 year old women who post here. I know this comes as a shock. Take a couple of deep breaths. It will be okay. 12. Avoid the use of the following phrases and words: Asian pearl (are you kidding me?!) and Yearning for Asian poontang (even if I was Asian, I would want you as far away from my poontang as possible). Happy hunting! <ul> <li> Location: Hampton Roads <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-17T15:26:17-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/1605343796.html How To Catch A Date On CL text Shadow Kitty - Thank You - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1604951280.html Dear whoever left me "Shadow", I work in public accounting and lead a pretty miserable life. We work horrible hours and I have almost no time to do anything else in life. One day (December 1st, 2009) after leaving work at 1am, upon heading to the parking lot, I noticed a box in front of my silver bmw. Scared of what was inside, I imagined it to be either a) a bomb, or b) full of baby kittens. Hesitantly, I gently tapped the box with my foot, nudging it knowing the chance of it being a bomb was pretty low. The box felt light - too light to be a box of kittens. In fact, no one meowed when it shook. So I took an even greater risk and peeked inside. I see a tiny baby kitten sitting inside with an empty water dish, soft pillow and warm blanket. Never having thought I would own a cat, I was about to leave the kitten there for someone else to find. However, it was approximately 35 degrees outside and with no food or water, the kitten would surely struggle through the night. So I placed the large box in my passenger seat and brought the kitten home with me. The tiniest cat I have ever seen, she has the softest black fur, sweetest face and gentlest personality. On the box, in a child's handwriting an index card was scotch-taped to the side saying "Cat's home" and written on the box was "Shadow". Whatever the circumstances were, since you packed the box with the water dish, pillow and blanket, I can only imagine how much you wanted her to have a good home. This note is a simple thank you, and letting you know she has a wonderful home now and she has brought so much joy into my miserable life. Things are starting to look up, and I will be making life changes soon and hope to find new employment. As far as I know, an angel left Shadow for me that night. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-17T09:00:01-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1604951280.html Shadow Kitty - Thank You - m4w text Sea Monkeys http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1604286957.html Please rescue my son's Sea Monkeys. The Sea Monkeys were a well-intentioned gift from a relative, but my son has poor vision and can't see them at all, so they've become Mommy's problem. We are moving and I have no idea how to transport them across the state- plus, I don't care. So, they would love a new owner. They come with their tank, food and food scooping spoon, and a little syringe and keychain thing in case someone wanted to suck Sea Monkeys out of the tank and carry them around for some reason. As shown except that our tank is red, not blue, and that the eggs have already been hatched. They would be a great dorm pet as they don't take up any space and are quiet. Really, they would be a good pet for anyone. I'm not picky, I don't think they are either. I realize that people feed Sea Monkeys to fish and such, and I have no problem with that, but I'm not interested in giving these creatures away for that purpose simply because it seems like a waste of all the plastic crap that comes with them. So please only take them if you actually want to keep them. Thank you! **Please do no flag and tell me this belongs in pets. Seriously- they're Sea Monkeys. Come on. <ul> <li> Location: Boulder <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-16T19:16:06-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1604286957.html Sea Monkeys text Large Boat for sale http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1603624338.html Due to the bad economy, I can no longer afford to fill up the diesel tanks on this thing and pay my crew. Therefore, I am forced to sell my 1977 Nimitz-class aircraft carrier. New paint and propellors. 22 knots max. Looking for around $2,000,000 or best offer. No pirates or scammers. <ul> <li> Location: North Atlantic <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1603624338.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-16T13:17:31-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1603624338.html Large Boat for sale text An open letter to the men who post in Casual Encounters. (Tips!) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sat/1602837659.html Dear Men of Craig’s List that post ads in the Casual Encounters section, I’ve been observing and laughing and on the verge of vomiting, so I’d like to give you a few tips to increase your chances of scoring a casual encounter, here on Craig’s List. I’ll divide this up in sections: Section 1: Photo tips Section 2: General ad writing tips Section 1: -We HATE tiny cell phone pictures. What’s the point of posting them if we can’t see anything? Just get a damn camera or borrow one of your friend’s cameras, its not that hard. Also, its never a good idea to use photos of yourself from family functions. We want to fuck, we don’t care what your families look like, so break out the pics of your skivvies lizard! -Portly men, don’t take upshots of your faces, because it will make your double chin multiply. This also goes for skinny guys, because this is NOT a good photo perspective. I’m eyeing you, Latino men who do the “what’s up” face or the faux gangster lean. Even if you’re skinny, the underside of your chin will look fat, from that perspective. A clear shot, straight-on or slightly angled above and pointing down produces a flattering photo for nearly every face and body shape. Also, don’t wrinkle your forehead, the way the VAST majority of you do. This distorts your features and over a short time, will give you wrinkles. -If you REALLY want to up your chances at getting laid, you must post a picture of your body AND your face. It is BEYOND my understanding how some of you men will post your ad with no photo. Yeah, like women are going to be sooo eager to blindly want to swallow your sour cream rifle and let you fuck them because you’ve written such a tantalizing, misspelled ad with text abbreviations! Anyway, I know you want to be discreet, but for a lot of women, the face HAS TO BE THERE. The body can always improve, later on. Women are not like men, we won’t fuck just anyone with a hot body. You can have the body of an Adonis and the face of Carrot Top and most of us still wouldn’t want to pirhouette on your pole. Case in point: Michael Phelps couldn’t even pay me to fuck him, suck him, or even give him a damn hand job. VOM. -DON’T put a picture up of yourself wearing a blue tooth headset. Come on now, you can take that fucker out of your ear, NO ONE is going to call you, right as you’re taking your nude shots. I’d wager that 90% of the time that you blue tooth addicted bastards have that thing in your ear, the only calls you get are from your mother or the mother of your kids, because you haven’t paid this month’s child support, you deadbeat dad. -DON’T post pictures of yourself with former sex partners/girlfriends. No one wants to see who their fuck buddy has fucked before. Especially the same pic I keep seeing of some dude with his stain-maker between a chubby woman’s pale, blue-vein-plagued cow titties, with the weird invisible colored nipples on the very south end of the utters. -DON’T post pictures of the sex acts you want to do with us. We know what it looks like. Doing this just makes it seem like you lifted the images from your favorite porn sites. We don’t want to think about the large collection of XXX images that you’ve culled from the web and have hidden in a secret folder on your laptop, labeled “Fappaccino”. -DON’T post headless pictures of you with your cum all over your naked body. That’s not hot, because we don’t know what your face looks like. Your cock shot shouldn’t look like cutting room floor frames from a poorly made David Lynch-inspired student film. -If you have an appendix scar, its best that you don’t crop your face out of the photo. Appendix scars are generally repugnant, so you’d have better luck scoring some lady love if she happens to like your face. A hot face excuses an appendix scar. -Ashy cocks are NOT hot. Ever. Moisturize before you take your pictures, please and thank you. Chances are that you were getting all hot and bothered, with the thought of even taking nudes of yourself, so there’s no excuse why you didn’t moisturize, since I’m sure that all of you jacked off, after the picture was taken. -Why on earth do some of you post flaccid cock shots? Don’t get me wrong, I love cock and I even love the way it looks flaccid, but I’m in the vast minority. Most women think that flaccid cocks are ugly. You’re here to find someone to fuck, so you need to post a pic of what you’re going to deliver, duh. Even if you’re huge, most women will be turned off by a picture of your sleeping sandworm. -If you have a particularly small package, your best bet is to zoom in with your camera and take a pic of your wee one in a mirror, to give the illusion of a bigger nuke. Don’t you dare put your hands on or near it in the photo! We’ll be able to gauge how much you’re lacking, by comparing your tater tot to your hand. -The shot you love to post where you’re lying down, grabbing your piss whistle is not a good angle. Your junk is always going to look smaller, especially with your hand covering the area that connects your root to your body. Unless you’re a very well-endowed man, don’t do that. The side view is always better, because it flatters most cock sizes and gives us a good idea enough view of your tent pole, to decide whether or not you’re going to be worth contacting. -Trim your pubic hair! We don’t want to see kinky curls surrounding your jizz syringe, golden straw poking out three inches from your body, or a pubic bush that resembles Phil Spector’s court room white boy fro. Thick bushes likely harbor an acrid smell and/or prime real estate for crabs. You expect us to clean our shit up, so heed your own advice! We do a lot more than you ever will. You can handle swiping a BIC across your shit, once in a while or a few passes with a handheld electric shaver. Pubic hair shouldn’t sprawl all over your inner and upper thighs, like climbing Ivy vines. If you want any kind of attention paid to your balls, shave them, or at the very least, trim the hair. It is sooo NOT HOT when rogue ball hair tickles the inside of your sex partner’s nostrils, when they’ve so graciously decided to give your balls that rare, royal treatment. We don’t expect you to shave off all of your pubic hair (some of us prefer that you don’t), we just think that you need to mow the lawn when you can’t find the garden hose in the grass anymore. -DON’T post pictures of you grabbing your cock through your boxers. It just makes us think that you have a small cock and this is your not so clever way of camouflaging it. You could have a two inch penis in there with a half eaten Kiolbasa from lunch tied to it with dental floss. Even if you’re the proud owner of a twelve inch train, it might be ugly or it might have something awful, like herpes on it. So, we need to see your bare cock. -Choose your sheets wisely, when taking a nude photo that involves your bed. If you’re lying on mauve silk or floral-overload sheets, we’ll think that: a.) You’re gay b.) You have a girlfriend that buys your sheets from the clearance section at Anna’s Linens c.) You live with your mother and you’ve got a disgusting fetish for doing nasty things in your mom’s bed, probably while wearing her above the navel panties. Section 2: #1 rule of writing a fuck ad: Spell correctly and don’t type your message like you type your fucking texts! You’re not a 16 years old texting queen, you’re a man and you should spell correctly and write out your words in full. If you’re not proficient with basic spelling, write your message in Microsoft Word first, so the spell check will point out your errors. Then, copypasta to your ad to Craig’s List. Simple. I know that you’re horny, but if you don’t put forth the effort, you’ll never get the results that you want. -DON’T describe yourself as “cute”. Puppies are cute, Sanrio characters are cute, and that morbidly obese baby from China is strangely cute. Describe yourself as “handsome”. Even calling yourself “hot” is always up for debate and can come off as cocky. I know that you essentially have to be a car salesman on this thing, and that some of you are trying to sell a lemon to an unsuspecting first-time buyer, but you really shouldn’t get ahead of yourself. Because, if we get interested enough to take a test spin, we might not even put the key in the ignition because the car wasn’t at all as it was described. -Choose your headlines better. Here are two examples that pop up often: 1. “Young hot cum sluts with big tits that love hot loads in their throats ONLY!” Dude, you watch too many pornos. Real life is not like that. Your porn lingo is not hot. I’m sorry that when you were a kid, your mom’s boyfriend of the week exposed you to porn at such an early age; that truly is a form of child abuse. 2. “Hard rite now! Need to cum! All horny ladies msg me!” Um, no. I don’t care if you’re hard when you post your ad. By the time anyone contacts you, your hard-on will have deflated. Just tempt us with good photos and leave the current status of your hard-on out of it. The urgency makes you seem pathetic. Also, refrain from using the word “need” in your ad, especially in all capitals, which is equally pathetic. -DON’T post more than once in a day. Hell, even more than once in a week. Multiple postings give the impression that no one wants your bald-headed yogurt slinger. -Asking for just a blow job and only a blow job is an unrealistic request. Do you actually think that a good-looking woman is going to be desperate enough to drive her ass all the way to your home, suck your dick, and leave? Again, stop watching so much goddamn porn. Take a few minutes out of everyday, to put the bottle of hair conditioner and the remote down and step outside, breathe some fresh air, and interact with real people. If a girl is going to suck your cock and let you cum down her throat, there’s a good possibility that she’s got a prescription for Valtrex in her purse. The girl who will giddily respond to a bj-only ad is a girl who has to take what she can get, because no one will fuck her STD-ridden pussy. -When referring to vagina, don’t call it a “kitty” and please, don’t spell it “kittie”, that’s fucking dumb. The word “pussy” is acceptable in this particular forum. I’ve actually seen “beef curtains” mentioned. Are you fucking serious? Wow. There’s a variety of ways to successfully dirty talk and then there’s using the word “beef curtains”. Don’t compare vagina with anything you can purchase from a deli! So gross. -I love how you guys sometimes claim to be rich or uber-successful business men. Haha! If you really were, you wouldn’t be on Craig’s List, you’d be able to hire someone to wrangle pussy for you. -You guys with the lactating preggo fetishes need to get some fucking help. Mother issues are soooo NOT HOT. Same goes for you psycho fucks that want to bring feces into the boudoir. You need to GTFO and check yourself into a mental institution like…NAO!!!!! Follow these tips and you will increase your chances of getting laid via Craig’s List. Soon, you’ll be questioning whether or not you’ve got strep throat or something much more delicious, and getting the text: Missed my period. What do we do now? Good luck in the casual sex game. May all the women that respond to your ads look like the photos that they’ve sent you and may all of your fuck dates go as planned! And lastly… ALWAYS, ALWAYS practice safe sex. :) Sincerely, Labia Majora <ul> <li> Location: San Antonio <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-15T22:45:35-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sat/1602837659.html An open letter to the men who post in Casual Encounters. (Tips!) text IGLOO in Rittenhouse - who needs an apt, condo, house? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1598455512.html Recession rates for a ONE OF A KIND Igloo. Forget those lame Condos, Apartments, Lofts, Brownstones, etc. You can rent this one of a kind Igloo located in historic (and extremely convenient) Rittenhouse Square. House is fully insulated with state of the art ICE technology and features central air conditioning. Door is included and can be seen in the attached image. Igloo is also nearly sound proof for raucous dance parties your friends will be sure to attend. Interior was finished with pearl white walls, as well as the outside. Furniture not included. Neighbors are very quiet and friendly. You will only get this chance once, so jump on it! $7/night OBO <ul> <li>cats are OK - purrr <li>dogs are OK - wooof <li> Location: Rittenhouse Square <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1598455512.1.jpg"> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1598455512.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-12T19:32:26-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1598455512.html IGLOO in Rittenhouse - who needs an apt, condo, house? text Tune Your God Damn Piano http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1598225097.html For christ's sake people, just let me tune your god damn piano, do the both of us a favor. I'm the best in the whole god damn city, I swear to christ. You can ask any one of my clients at any given time, email me and ask me for a list. I'll make that fucker SING. Hell, you pay me a little extra and I'll make YOU sing too. Na i'm kidding, that's a little joke there. Nothing sexual, just piano tuning. Email me and I'll come the fuck over, tune your fucking piano, take your money, then be on my merry old motherfuckin way. You want the shitfuckin thing tuned? Fine. Call me. I'll tune it. Done. Just like that. All of Manhattan or Brooklyn. Don't fucking call me if you're in Queens or Hoboken. $80 for grand and upright pianos $100 for spinet upright pianos (because they are way goddamn harder) <ul> <li> Location: Williamsburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-12T16:52:27-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1598225097.html Tune Your God Damn Piano text Parents - Please stop the madness http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1597825172.html Parents, I love you. You gave me life and quirky personality peccadillos. You gave me shelter, food and you were probably a lot cooler and more fulfilled before you had kids. Let's get the love thing down first. Much respect and love. But this madness has got to stop. It's been ten years since your genitals started repelling each other like polarized magnets and the vow of "til death do us part" became "ehhhh...not so much" and you got divorced. Instead your respective genitals started latching onto other peoples naughties like there was Elmer's glue on them. That's cool. Statistically likely, even, but how about now, we all start acting like fucking grown-ups. Look at your spawn, me and my brother. We are not, as you seem to think, human telephones. You being responsible for our genetics would be AMAZED by the lack of dials, button and digital wires on our persons. Should you ever need to use the telephone to contact each other, I would recommend AN ACTUAL TELEPHONE. Yes, it will involve verbal communication with your ex, scary I know. But if that's too much, email can swiftly communicate all of the curses and epithets you have for each other in one fell swoop. You are both remarried. You get along with those spouses. You have high level exec jobs where I assume you have a maturity level above that of a sixth grader. You have friends. Perhaps even some of your co-workers or spouse of friends are people you do not like, but you manage to treat them civilly, don't you? Let's play a game where you treat each other like that! Yes, Bro and I played you little game for the last ten years, but I'm officially putting the kybosh on it today. I really do not care if you now hate each other with the burning intensity of a thousand suns; the moment your gametes merged and created a child, you got stuck with each other FOR LIFE. Deal. The. Fuck. With. It. Mom: Thanks for being my biological roommate for nine months. I'm sure Bro feels the same. Very cool of you. But you are a career-driven distant lady and probably bipolar. It's okay. Lots of people are. And accept that you cheated first and married the man you cheated with. Yeah, Dad's got some resentment. Accept it and don't resent the resentment, that's lame. You don't have to be best friends with Dad, that would be weird. But if you have something to say to the man, FOR GOD'S SAKE just say it. The Chinese Whispers needs to stop. I will not ask a 50 year old man to get in touch with his son. I straight up won't (even though I think he should). If your opinions are so strong on the matter, may I kindly suggest you TELL HIM YOURSELF LIKE AN ADULT. I've got my own stuff going on and I don't really care how people mess up their kids. My role as your mouthpiece ends right now. Dad: I just said I wouldn't tell you this, BUT CALL YOUR SON, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Seriously? Seriously. Bro is 19, an overweight underachiever, he could use a strong male role in his life. Think you might be the one he wants, maybe? Because my awful stepfather is "step"ping right into that part. That should send shivers down your spine. When he wants to visit you, he doesn't need you hovering over him like a child, but a weekend away from Casa de Crazy and Mom and Stepdad. Seeing your kids is not an unreasonable request. If you're resenting him for sharing genes with someone you hate, how do you think that makes me/us feel? Classy. Stepdad: Stop trying to my friend/friendly. It's okay, normal even if we're not best buds. I can count on zero fingers the number of people I know who are friends with their stepdad. I wouldn't like you even if you weren't CREEPY AS FUCK. I'm your wife's daughter, man. Stop hitting on me. The slightly too long hugs. The time you walked in on teenage me masturbating and DIDN'T LEAVE AND APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY AND STARTED A CONVERSATION ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING INSTEAD. The time I was nude modelling to pay for school and you said you should sign up for "art lessons" (pukes). Last summer when I was playing with your son, wearing a short dress and you kept "accidentally" moving behind me. Just stop. Mom, if you ever tell me how "good he is in bed" again, I will vomit in your closet. Stepmom: You're cool as hell. I've got no beef with you. Except maybe that your dogs are maniacs. Get Barkbusters in on that shit. In summary, Parents. Phones. Use them. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-12T13:07:27-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1597825172.html Parents - Please stop the madness text every girl that dreams of dating a bearded uptown hipster with a bike http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1597338520.html let me just remind you that when you take away the fixed-gear bike, the messenger bag, the scarf that's worn year-round, the ironic t-shirt, the dumb shoes, the pbr, the tattoos, plugs, and the stupid beard, we all look the same. so, are you really in love with a guy or his accessories? or is it that you're in love with the whimsical idea of an urban lumberjack type who will go on "adventures" with you, meanwhile being perfectly content with doing what every other human being our age does: drinking and fucking? also, tell me about the last black guy you dated. what's that? you can't? cause every fucking uptown hipster is a white boy from the suburbs. the uptown wannabes from the suburbs grow up idolizing the current inhabitants. when they're old enough, they move there, grow beards and do the stupid shit that kids do (eg. drink). what's ironic is that this new generation then grows up and becomes the new kids to be idolized by the new uptown wannabes from the suburbs. it's an endless cycle of superficiality, facades, and stupid kids seeking affirmation from their peers. the truth is, NONE OF YOU ARE COOL! i wish i could be there, 20 years from now, when you look back at pictures of yourselves from today. it's like explaining zubas in the 90s to someone today. irony is not timeless. marry a guy with a yacht. <ul> <li> Location: uptown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-12T04:05:16-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1597338520.html every girl that dreams of dating a bearded uptown hipster with a bike text Hey Snow Nazi in Warren http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1596697441.html Dear Neighbor in Warren - I'm not gonna shovel out the walk, so you might as well call me in now. I work 12-14 hour days. My wife left almost a year ago to go relive her college days (she's fucking the third or fourth in a line of grad students at the U of M, from what I hear) and saddled me with the mortgage and car payment. The dog now hates me because he's cooped up in one room all day long when he used to be home with the wife (too busy doing yoga to stay limber for the college studs to get a job when we were together) and could go outside or at least have run of the house all day. Thanks for the dirty look when I saw you out walking YOUR unleashed shit-machine-on-four-legs this morning. Must be a bitch to be shins deep in the snow while your dog clamors into my yard to leave a steamer in the drift. Noticed you didn't have a bag with you and kind of caught the way you just kept on walking without picking up Rover's turds as I rolled up the hill towards another hourlong commute. Hey, asshole. Guess what? I'm not an independent consultant or whatever the fuck it is you told me your job is when I was checking out your wife's ass at the neighborhood picnic this Summer. I'm a sales manager. I get up early, go to the office, slug it out listening to salespeople tell me that our customers won't buy our services in this economy (or as I call it, 'whining about shit that's really not my problem') until well after you've had your supper, and typically make it home about the time you're settling in to watch Real Housewives of Orange County or whatever closet cocksucker show you watch after you put little Peyton and Jacinda to bed. I'm beat when I get home. I eat a sandwich, pet the dog a little, sort the mail, and wish my wife wasn't a cum guzzling whore for a Carlson School of Management's Spring '09 MBA candidates, each of whom is gonna finish fucking my wife, defend a dissertation, get offered a job without having to make a meaningful search, and earn six times more money at age 22 with no experience than I am at age 40 with a BS in marketing and 18 years never once having missed quota for base-plus-ten-percent. The LAST thing on my mind in these moments of lamentation is putting on the Carhartts and shoveling out the sidewalk when it's -15�. I gotta get up in six hours and get back to the office. I work for a living, and to tell you the truth, when you called the City to complain earlier this year about snow on the sidewalk and I got the $30 WSB invoice from the City for them to come by with their brush-blower, I happily paid it. It was worth the $30 to not have to go out and stand in the wind for 30 minutes. So this is your fair warning, oh neighbor of mine...might as well call me in now, because it ain't getting any warmer the rest of this week, my job ain't getting any less demanding, and as far as I know, my wife has every intention of continuing to let the next generation of useless MBAs keep screwing her spit-lubricated ass. Which means I have the perfect combination of prohibitive temperatures, discretionary income, and anger at humanity in general to keep paying the city to clear the sidewalk in from of my house well into Spring. More snow on the way! <ul> <li> Location: Warren <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-11T16:50:06-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1596697441.html Hey Snow Nazi in Warren text From a girl who loves casual encounters http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lnk/1596333194.html So I just need to get something off my chest. I like sex. No, I take that back. I don’t like sex. I LOVE sex. I love men, and their bodies, and the way their muscles move under their skin, and the power I feel when making them moan. And I love casual encounters. I work hard, I’m busy, and I don’t really want a boyfriend. A fuck buddy? Hell yes. Being able to call someone on a random Friday night, have them come over and blow my mind? Yes, yes, yes. Hell, if they’re good, they can even sleep over. If they’re really, really good, I might make them breakfast the next morning. Pancakes and eggs after some mind-blowing sex? Sign me right up. But you know what I don’t love? I don’t love guys that assume that because I’m looking for a casual encounter, I will just show up and fuck them. Umm… have you ever read the news? I’m not interested in getting chopped to little pieces here buddy. I’m going to need to meet you in a public place first and make sure you’re not the next Ted Bundy. Seriously. Letting you into my house, not to mention my vagina. Hoping to survive both experiences, thanks. Also, “no fattys” pisses me off. First off, I am a fatty. Not like “morbidly-obese-I-break-a-sweat-walking-up-the-stairs” fat, but I’m definitely not a size 8. And I can respect that some people are just not attracted to a bigger girl. But you know what? You’re on fucking craigslist, posting pictures of your dick. Perhaps you don’t have much room to be picky. Perhaps that “fatty” will blow you and your mind. I have yet to be told I’m not good in bed, but boy have I heard that I’m the best they’ve had. You know why? Because I LOVE SEX. I don’t have the best body in the world, but I do amazing things with what I’ve got. Oh, and to the married creepers? Die. Seriously, wtf? I may be terrified of marriage, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t respect the idea. Never in all my life will I ever help someone cheat on their partner. Never. No, not this once because you “eat pussy so well”. I wouldn’t care if I came from you looking at me. You are married. I will never go there. Get a divorce if you are that unhappy. You are a douche. Also, spelling and grammar count folks. I don’t need to fuck a brain surgeon, but I like to think the person I’m sleeping with is intelligent enough to spell pussy correctly. If you can’t take the time to run a spell check, what makes me think you will take the time to really satisfy me in other ways? And finally, I’m open to a lot of things, but when I set limits on who I’m interested in, respect them. I say I’m not looking to meet anyone over 34 because I am 27. Seven years older than me is the farthest I can go and still be attracted to someone. I have a father. I don’t need one in bed. Likewise, all you cute little early 20-somethings, I’m sure you’re nice, but no. I have siblings that are your age or younger. I can’t do it, no matter how awesome you are. It would make me feel dirty, and not in the good “spank me, I’ve been naughty” kind of way. So yes. That's my rant in a nutshell. Common sense can take you a long way in this world. Good sex can take you farther. <ul> <li> Location: S. Lincoln <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-11T12:23:41-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lnk/1596333194.html From a girl who loves casual encounters text WE NEED A SMART PERSON http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1596308401.html We need a smart or more person to help un with our Company. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-11T13:10:31-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1596308401.html WE NEED A SMART PERSON text RE: Wanted: Chairs/Benches http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1594998214.html I have several hundred, possibly 1,000's of chairs and benches that you can have. I scattered them all thru the streets of Phila. in various parking spaces. You can pick them up once the snow stops and then for the next 2 weeks. Enjoy!!! <ul> <li> Location: Phila. <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1594998214.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-10T15:15:18-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1594998214.html RE: Wanted: Chairs/Benches text 1BR Affordable Snow Fort Sublet In Capitol Hill http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1594953090.html $140 a month, including utilities. 10 minute walk from Union Station and Capitol South metros. Amenities: Wireless internet, doorman with fez, premade snowballs. Available for move-in immediately. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-10T14:50:34-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1594953090.html 1BR Affordable Snow Fort Sublet In Capitol Hill text Thanks For Shitting Your Pants http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1593048210.html I was in line at that dreadful Comcast customer service pit to return my modem and cancel service anyway. My mind was made up. For all the reasons I don't have to list here, FUCK COMCAST. My building got wireless service recently. I'm done. The guy on the phone didn't do a good job at saving my account. "How does $42 a month sound?" "Can you beat free?" I inquired. I asked him if I could send the modem back in the mail and avoid the trip to their drop-off center. "No." Whatever. Getting the $56 a month monkey off my back felt good no matter what. I had no regrets at all. You sealed the deal when you shit your pants. That was seriously nasty. Everyone thought it was the little kid at first, but I knew right away it was you. I know I can't blame Comcast for whatever it is that makes you unable to control your bowels. I know that line was long and the service fairly slow. People have complicated fucking issues with their cable and phone. That line was an audition for the Jerry Springer show ( I mean that in a loving way), complete with a woman who shits her pants. That was unreal, lady, just unreal. I know you did it while you were standing in line because you didn't smell that rotten when I took my place in line behind you. Granted, that customer-service counter IS a remarkably good place to shit your pants. The carpet is filthy. The walls have been smeared by the hands of innumerable children. You can't help but notice right away that the customer service agents are behind glass. Lashonda gets mad when the account be closed. No big deal, really. I enjoy the pagent of human existence. I suppose even to include the lady who shit her pants yesterday afternoon. Comcast is too cheap to buy a rope line, so people line up as they see fit and let the kids roam free. Holy fuck that stunk,and the line wasn't going anywhere. 15 mintues of that was enough to upset my cast-iron stomach. I trained on a vast UNDERGROUND fish market in Asia; I know what stench is. I couldn't back up, either. The line had formed behind me in that airless chamber. The room was suffering. You could see it on the stricken face of the woman who helped you. She went in the back and threw up after you left. First, she came to the agent helping me and asked for "the spray." I guess people shit themselves often there. The people who have been standing behind me gave me sympathetic looks as I left: I had endured ground zero. My only thought was to get outside as quickly as possible. But that really sealed the deal for me. My new wireless connection is great. And free. If I ever think I might want to go back to Comcast, all I have to do is think about the lady with scanty beard hair shitting her pants in a dingy lobby and I'll return to my senses right away. Imagine what her car smells like? <ul> <li> Location: 1617 S. Acoma <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-09T10:00:18-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1593048210.html Thanks For Shitting Your Pants text Elite fixie fashion http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1592376379.html Want to look cool on your sweet fixie, but can't even do a trackstand? Want the illusion to be complete on your ghetto POS singlespeed with one brake to get that fixed gear look? Looking for instant street cred? look no further gentleman or gentlelady, for i have the ultimate fixed gear accessory. you are looking at a geniune vittoria randonnonenroeur with rubber worn away ALL THE WAY AROUND IT. the red band meant only for puncture protection has been skillfully revealed with careful leg locking for that couture look. some places have even been worn through the red and threads are showing. a shredded rando is what separates the posers from the krew. the fixie krew that is. you can't get an app for this, this tire can only be made through elite fixie skills. so if you want to be the coolest guy at your nearest free trade coffee vendor or food co-operative, this tire is what you need. Will look great on any track bike, like your leader, kilo tt, windsor hour, pake, or republic bike. aerospoke compatible if aerospoke is 700c trades also accepted for hip pouches, pbrs, american spirit cigs, or anything american apparel. not looking for anymore loose beanies nor wayfarer style glasses. <ul> <li> Location: Davis <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-08T18:17:28-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sac/1592376379.html Elite fixie fashion text LOST: Tripod in a sewer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1592354224.html Last night, I dropped my tripod in a fast flowing sewer, and it got carried away into the shitty abyss. If you're an Ashbridges Bay sewage treatment plant worker, and you find a black Manfrotto 752B ball head tripod, it's mine, and I miss it. Thanks for your time. <ul> <li> Location: East Toronto <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1592354224.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-08T21:00:12-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1592354224.html LOST: Tripod in a sewer text We found your beer bong http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1592047485.html We found your beer bong outside Earth and Ocean Sciences last Sunday night/Monday morning. Just wanted to let you know that it's safe, and it's in the hands of an experienced group, and we have been using it. Just a couple notices on the construction: The mouth piece that you had connected to the ball valve was about a half foot in length. I know that this is the length they'll sell you at Home Depot, but cut it down to 2-3 inches maximum. When you have a half foot of tubing, it creates a fairly large air bubble you're going to have to take in before you even get to the beer, and it makes for a very full stomach when you're putting 2-3 beer in. We noticed you only used one hose clamp at the funnel-tube connection. They're only $0.80, we always used them on the tube-valve as well. This is what they're made for afterall. Happy bonging! <ul> <li> Location: UBC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-08T14:34:25-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1592047485.html We found your beer bong text Greetings from your friendly HWY 17 bus driver http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1590948273.html First of all, I'd like to compliment you all on the quality and quantity of your middle fingers. I realize I am widely despised and considered by many of you to be a selfish, clueless, dangerous bastard of a road hazard. I understand where you are coming from. Even if you are a greedy, spoiled, impatient piece of shit. I understand. Let me address a couple of specific issues. 1. The fast lane, or as it is known in "the business," the Number One Lane. Why in bloody hell, some of you wonder, would a goddamn bus be using the fast lane southbound between 280 and Los Gatos, when it can't travel much over 70 mph (MAX) on a downhill grade, and moves like a snail on the uphill? Well, it's like this: I am trying to avoid the clusterfuck merges that occur throughout that stretch. The road is full of really bad drivers, as you know... and while a passenger car might stand a chance of swerving or accelerating or braking out of trouble, not me. I need to stay out of the way of that shit. If a merging idiot cuts me off and I have to decelerate on an even a slight uphill grade, there will be peace in the Middle East before I can get back up to the speed limit. I know you are pissed off that I am keeping you from speeding your ass off for a few minutes, but if I get stuck in the Idiot Merge and have to slow down, then you will see some really serious traffic blockage while I hold the throttle pedal to the floor and wait for the bus to resume any forward motion. I know you don't give a shit about that because you can drive better than James Bond and would easily bust through the jam with amazing technique, but next time you might be a minute or two behind me... then you will taste some serious inconvenience and delay because some asshole such as yourself didn't let me just keep up enough momentum to get out of the way as soon as possible. 2. Speaking of merging: Look here, the bus has basically two modes; floored and stopped. When floored, the actual speed depends entirely on grade and momentum. When I am coming down a ramp to merge onto the highway, I am FUCKING FLOORING IT, ok? I am trying to get as close to the flow of traffic as possible. Maybe you are in the right land and see me up ahead, preparing to merge and signaling left. You could do a couple of things. You could slow down and let me in, which I would appreciate but certainly not expect of you. Or, probably even better, you could put your fucking foot in it and blast cleanly around me and make good your escape. But either way, you gotta shit or get off the pot. Please do not hover back there in my blind spot, spitting and cussing and wondering when I'm going to make my move. Guess what? You are already seeing my move. I am signaling left and standing on the throttle with my full weight. You're the one in the vehicle that actually has a choice to go faster. I realize that sometimes I am getting in your way. Really, I'm sorry about that, but if you make me slow down because I can't tell where you are ... well, then we're going to see how badly I can make traffic back up. The rule of thumb is this: Do what traffic expects you to do. That means do not come to a screeching halt on the freeway because you think I'll cut in front of you, or because you are such a sweetheart that you are willing to fuck 5 miles of commuters behind you so that I can creep into traffic. Just drive. Do what traffic expects. If you can just carry on at your same speed and zip right past me than please do so. On the the other hand, if you see me a half mile up ahead, signaling left and waiting waiting waiting to get over, and no one will budge, and I am getting dangerously close to the point of no return... please do not floor it when I finally get a little gap and you are several hundred yards back. We want the same thing, you and me. You want to get the fuck away from me and I also want you to do that. Oh, and northbound, after the curvy part of 17, just after the Cats restaurant, where the first Los Gatos onramp comes in... I always grab the left lane anywhere I can get it after Lexington Reservoir and the Cats. The traffic merging onto the freeway at Los Gatos is deadly. Deadly and slow. Plus, there is another merge nightmare shortly thereafter as people try and remember whether they want 85 or not... or start reading their map to see what 85 even is. I don't want 85. I want to stay away from everyone who is wrapped up in the spiritual dilemma over whether to take it or not. That means one thing and one thing only: Left Lane. Please keep in mind... I am not trying to block your way. I just need to maintain my speed long enough to get around all that shit. As usual, if I get caught in it, I'll become a much bigger pain in the ass while I try and get back up to speed over the next 20 minutes. 3. Lane changes/passing other vehicles Same deal. Believe it or not, there are vehicles on the road even slower than the Hwy17 bus. Usually they are big rigs, construction trailers, out-of-town first-times (on this road) doing the White Knuckler... and sometimes they are just terrified little idiots who refuse to believe that the posted speed limit is to be trusted. If I get caught behind this stuff on the uphill... forget it. I'll be slowing up the traffic for a long time If you see me on the downhill, signaling left, please let me get around them. I can do it going downhill, and I PROMISE to get the fuck back in the slow lane immediately. I hope this clears up some confusion. It is a treacherous road, and can be unbearably frustrating when you are in a hurry. Please keep in mind that my bus is not the only thing out there jamming up traffic. In fact, I'll jam it up less if given just a little room. At least I am aware of the situation and aware of the need to try and stay out of the way when I can't go fast, and to keep things flowing when I can. Oh, and to the woman in the dirty Subaru Outback with the Montessori bumper sticker... you really need to quit biting your nail on that middle finger. Your Bird-Flippng technique is flawless, but that fingernail is disgusting. Next time I see it (probably tomorrow) I want to see it neatly trimmed. <ul> <li> Location: HWY 17 <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-07T22:57:25-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1590948273.html Greetings from your friendly HWY 17 bus driver text Amazing Deal http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stl/1589822143.html a couple of used kitchen appliances and some tables and chairs along with the rights to rent space in a strip mall for sale.... I am calling it a restaurant since that is what I tried to do, but it could be a great place to turn lead into GOLD !!!... Or possibly make MILLIONS of dollars overnight shining shoes... all for a wee $65,000...... Yeah you could just buy an oven, fridge, and gas grill, with an exhaust hood, and some tables and chairs at auction for less that $15,000...... But, that wouldn't be a profit to me now would it.... Or maybe I dumped a couple hundred grand in the place buying new and paying for contractors to do all the work for me... I can't remember... and I never would tell the truth anyway... I am claiming to sell for health reasons and I will tell you I plan to retire in Florida or some BS that makes you think I made a ton of money here... All items are located deep in the ghetto where no one has any money and crime is high just in front of the parking lot with all the pot holes. That spot famous for being the place the gangs and drug dealers like to hang out and shoot each other.... Plenty of customers like to come in and haggle for a cheaper price than my listed menu prices and at least 500 methheads live close by in the alley, so plenty of foot traffic close by... and every hour someone will call up saying there was hair in their food and they demand 5 times the amount of food they paid for to make them feel better... But, you can be your own boss !!! So isn't it worth overpaying for my used appliances to save you a day or two of running around ?....There is no electricity or gas on to prove any of the equipment works, but you are the trusting type.... all of the tables have sayings like T-Bone was here... and the local High School rules... and Freddy stinks... but there is also phone numbers for easy girls who put out and funny looking charactures engraved in the table tops... and plenty of graffiti on the wall outside adding character to the building.. According to the Health Dept, the dumpster out back needs to be fenced in but the landlord won't bother since the methheads tear the fencing down to turn in for scrap.. The fence just gets in the way of the bums throwing trash all over anyway... , so every time the health department inspects the place you lose 30 points right off the bat... but 70 is still passing if everything else passes with flying colors.. just don't get a single point taken off inside and you'll be ok... anywho...I know you working class slobs are desperate to do anything but get an education or research the cost yourselves... You will just waste that SBA loan or inheritence on something like this, so I have one for sale... At least I will have if you reply to this ad and prove you have the money.... which I will need to see before I show you the place This is a real money pit... you can't go wrong.... and besides... why stay employed without much responsibility and kiss your employer's butt when you can kiss all of St Louis's lower class butt as a restaurant owner.... Where every customer is like your boss at work ... Only these people are even more difficult to deal with because they seriously want and expect free food and drinks every day and every hour you are open.... and they lack confidence since they are poor and want you to try REAL hard to respect them... It shouldn't matter that they have criminal records, no money, and are ugly to the eye.. They have to be super-respected due to a insecurity of ego... Yep, nothing like being your own boss..... putting everything you worked for your whole life on the line even though you have absolutely no experience running a restaurant other than that fast food joint back in high school and that waiting tables job in college... After all, you want to make hamburgers or pizza, and no one else in St Louis does that.... You can be the only one to offer such unique food items to the public... Or maybe you can do it better than those other restaurants who have been in business for 30 years or more by adding brussel sprouts or some other kind of goat food to a traditional food item... just remember taste doesn't mean anything as long as the food has either a catchy name or is considered healthy or whatever the latest fad is... $12,000 worth of equipment and a lease you could sign yourself for $65,000..... you can't go wrong.... Of course none of the equipment is Viking... Just crap known to break down so the company who originally sold it can make money coming out to repair it once a month... If interested, write a check for $65,000 cash and hand it to your worst enemy, then call it a learning experience... and save years on your life from worry about bills and time wasted chasing greener pastures..... You will save a ton of money in litigation costs by not defaulting on the lease too..... I am the best deal in the world for an inexperienced yuppie with pipe dreams of leaving the office behind or some out of work loser who will never open a book and find out how to make money in this world... Yep.... Forget college and experience.... There is always a short cut.... Everyone knows this... and here is your chance... You will have to sign away all of your rights to sue me when I put "As Is" on the purchase agreement... but you aren't paying attention to any of that since you will be all emotional about starting your own business and be caught up in your dream of being the next Macdonald's food chain... and besides any high school drop out can run a successful restaurant.. This was proven years ago by that one guy... I might even be willing to owner finance if I get close to declaring bankruptcy... but I will wait till the last minute and screw myself trying to get a cash deal like I like to do.... So you know... Buy now... If you don't like this one, I am working this hustle at 5 other locations too.... I never run a restaurant for real... I just make it look like one has been run there... No one ever asks to see my books... I just put some equipment in a strip mall, rent out the space for $6000 a year and sell it for $65,000 each time... But you the buyer won't know any different, I promise.. !! I can even put you in touch with the restaurant consultant who charges me $200 an hour to tell me what I could have looked up on the internet for free... he's a great guy.... he didn't get anywhere with his business of 15 years, but he did find a Rube just like you who had a million dollars to pay him for his trumped up books, used equipment, and leasehold like I am offering today... but I am only charging $65,000...... See how nice I am !!! Anyway... I am going on.... I didn't put up any contact info because I don't need to screw over people to make money running scams like this for real... I actually can run a business successfully... So, you know... Best of luck and don't break a finger flagging me.... Karma has a way of getting ya like that... Go Saints in the Super Bowl today... !! <ul> <li> Location: Ghetto <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-07T06:14:55-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stl/1589822143.html Amazing Deal text please help me win my wife back http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1589747282.html Hi, Well, this is weird. But thanks for clicking and reading. I don't even know what terms to use. Beautician? Stylist? I haven't been cool for 20+ years, so please just let me talk. I am a white man who is 46 years old. I'm a dad of teenagers. Middle class. My wife of many years and I are having big fights, and I want to woo her back. Part of the plan is to not look like the 46-year-old slob that I fear she sees. I'm no bumpkin--but I'm no metrosexual, either. Honestly, I'm clueless as to fashion, looks, etc. So what I'm hoping to find: someone (in my mind, it's a woman in her 30s who is young enough to be hip and mature enough to understand me) who will spend a day with me making me more attractive to my wife. If this sounds weird to you, please don't respond. If you find this ridiculous, please move on. But if you want to help a decent guy who is in love with his wife, please write. She's back in town on Wednesday--I want my hair and skin and clothes and whatever else to look awesome by then. I will pay $200 for 8 hours of consulting. You would need to listen to me about the things I know she likes (like curls at the back of my hair), and not try to make me look like I'm 20-something, or anything else I'm not. But I'm very open to a fresh perspective. And, of course, you would need to be respectful, and in earnest. When you get right down to it, we're all just really trying, right? I need some help. I'm no creeper--I'm not trying to meet someone, or whatever--maybe you're not a 30-something woman, maybe you're a 20- or 80-something gay man or whatever--I don't care. I'm just a middle-aged guy who needs some help in looking as best he can (which won't be much) to try to win his wife back. If you can help, please get in touch. It'll be a challenge: I have braces, and a bald spot! Well, you play the hand you're dealt. My wife is the love of my life, and I want nothing more than to be the best I can be for her. Thanks for reading--I hope you can help-- <ul> <li> Location: North Austin <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-07T00:54:21-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1589747282.html please help me win my wife back text 100$ for two brownies and 1 pt. ice cream http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1589192642.html Right now, it is 4.19pm on Saturday, the 6th of February, 2010. I live on the Gramercy Mansion property grounds, near Villa Julie/Stevenson college on Greenspring Valley Road. This is the intersection of 695 and 83. I am snowed in. The long driveway is only partially plowed. I have a crisp 100$ bill. I will gladly give it to the first person who can hand deliver two large brownies, and 1 pint of vanilla ice cream to me. Must be in person, no aircraft drones, catapults, etc. Serious inquiries only. Must be delivered by 9pm this evening. <ul> <li> Location: Stevenson, MD <li> Compensation: Crisp 100$ bill. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-06T16:22:11-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1589192642.html 100$ for two brownies and 1 pt. ice cream text Zombie hunting SWF seeking kick ass partner http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bji/1587347039.html "SWF seeks SWM who enjoys farming, zoo keeping and serious preparation for zombie invasion for friendship, LTR and possible marriage. Must be willing to wear a kilt and own his own broadsword. Must be down to earth kind of guy, no prior convictions, not subject to any criminal investigations. I will look you up on the state access database so don't bother lying about it. Am D/D free, you be too Must hold liberal political views, while still supporting gun ownership, hunting and private land rights. No racists, homophobes, or fundamentalists. No Jehova Witnesses or Mormons. Must love dogs and be approved by my dogs. Must be able to ride a horse and allow me to spend large amounts of time with my animals without complaint. Must take me fishing and buy me a pint now and then. You can go out with your buddies too, I am not the jealous sort. But, you better be home each night in case the zombie invasion begins. I am a strong, intelligent country woman who can drive anything, haul 10 gallons of water to animals at a time, butcher a deer and run a trot line. Country folk will survive. <ul> <li> Location: Bemidji <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-05T11:52:40-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bji/1587347039.html Zombie hunting SWF seeking kick ass partner text Computer repairman http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1584333712.html Does your computer not work as well as it used it, but you are scared to bring it to someone to get it fixed because you don't want anyone seeing what you've downloaded? I fix computers for under $100. Completely confidential, i don't even look at your files. I just wipe out the hard drive and and reinstall windows. Your computer will be as good as new. <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1584333712.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Staten Island <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-03T14:21:07-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1584333712.html Computer repairman text Ceramic bald Lionel Richie bust wanted http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1580579799.html I am looking for a replica of the bust made in the Lionel Richie "Hello" video. <img src="http://stereogum.com/img/lionel11.jpg"> However I'd like it to be bald as I intend to recreate that lovable afromullet with some sort of cream cheese dip at parties. Not that I have many parties, but if I had this, I might start. I'd like it to be maybe about a foot tall. It really has to look like that bust (which oddly enough doesn't look like Lionel Richie at all) or it won't be worth it. Hopefully it can be the same orangish-brown matte finish that is in the video but I understand making it safe for a cheesy-afro might lead to some compromises. Please email me with a bid including a breakdown the cost of supplies and labor. I can also exchange for computer repair (mac/pc, virus/malware repair, etc) or maybe a 12" G4 iBook, Thank you to Curtis for informing me that terracotta would not be a good choice for a food-safe sculpture. Take care. <ul> <li> Location: Bridgeport <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: see description. </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-02-01T09:40:42-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1580579799.html Ceramic bald Lionel Richie bust wanted text Hey sellers - take some advice before posting http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1580127492.html I've spent the better part of 3 months searching craigslist, looking for furniture for my apartment. I've bought nearly everything I need for my apartment from craigslist, but it hasn't been easy. Why? Because most sellers repeat these same mistakes when listing their items. Take a moment to read this before you list, and I'm certain you'll get better results. 1. INCLUDE PICTURES. Take the extra 10 minutes to include some photos of your stuff. A photo makes all the difference! You can try to describe your "brown couch with lovely accent pattern" but a photo will tell me exactly what your couch looks like. 2. INCLUDE DIMENSIONS. Take 3 minutes and measure your stuff. I can't tell you how many "large tables" I looked at that were no bigger than 30" in diameter. And I can't tell you how many people thought I was crazy for asking for measurements before I came to look at something of theirs. Hey - if it won't fit in my dining room, I don't care how beautiful it is. 3. PRICE YOUR ITEMS APPROPRIATELY. This may be the most important tip I can offer. You may have paid $1500 for a couch 5 years ago, and it's probably a lovely piece of furniture. But, you sat on it for five years, your kids sat on it, your Uncle Troy with the flatulence issues sat on it twice a year for five years. Therefore, it's not worth $750, or $500, or probably even $300... and that's why your expensive couch sits on craigslist for weeks and weeks and weeks without selling. If you'd price it more realistically, it would probably sell quickly, and you could move on. Re-listing it a dozen times at that inflated price doesn't help. Price it right, and it'll sell quickly. Trust me!! I laugh when I see ads from people that have a dining room table "with a few nicks" or "some minor wear" listed for $800+. I'll buy a new one from Ashley for $399, thank you. And finally, try being nice when you respond to e-mails or phone calls. I dealt with one person who seemed genuinely upset that I wanted to buy his kitchen table. He was rude, inconsiderate, and didn't even seem to be remotely interested in selling the table. I'm not forcing you to sell anything - I've got cash, and I want to give it to you, so it might not hurt to brush up on your manners. And when you tell me to "call with questions" don't act as if you have no idea why I'm calling, especially after I say something like, "Hi, this is Joe - I saw your ad on craigslist for the table and chairs. I have a few questions if you have a few minutes available to chat." I said that exact same thing to a lady who was selling a table on craigslist, and her response was, "What? Why are you calling? My table? What about it?!" Crikey. So... take this advice for what it's worth - 1. Pictures 2. Measurements 3. Price appropriately 4. Use your head Oh, and how about one last bit of advice - tell us if you smoke, if you have pets, and if you have kids. And, if you have any one of those three items, reduce the price of your item by at least 25%. It makes a difference! <ul> <li> Location: Madison <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-31T21:23:54-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1580127492.html Hey sellers - take some advice before posting text Litter box cleaning for pancakes http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1580110650.html I have a terrible problem. My litter box is dirty and smells horrible and I don't want to clean it. I am amazing at making pancakes however. I will trade my pancake skills for a clean litter box. Serious inquires only. <ul> <li> Location: bathroom corner <li> Compensation: pancakes. All you can eat!!! <li> This is an internship job <li> OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-31T22:08:24-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bal/1580110650.html Litter box cleaning for pancakes text You slept in my bed last night - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1579077317.html ME: A guy coming home to find you asleep in my bed. YOU: Stunningly attractive blonde slightly undressed. ME: Strangely bemused, but too tired and distracted by other women in my head to care. YOU: Gone this morning when I woke up. ME: Trying to determine from roommates who you were, but they have no clue (they really aren't too conscious right now and think I am lying). If you attended what must have been a great party last night (I can tell from the mess) and slept in some guys bed then please poke me back, I have some things here that might be yours. Also, let me know if you will be back tonight and I will change the sheets. Finally, thank you for not taking my side of the bed, THAT would have been awkward. <ul> <li> Location: Decatur <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-31T09:39:22-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1579077317.html You slept in my bed last night - m4w text Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1578516400.html WANTED: One Rabbi versed in the Dark Talmudic Arts to create one Golem for household of three. Golem will perform rudimentary household chores such as dishes & sweeping, basic Math Tutoring for our daughter in 3rd grade and basic household security. Golem must be obedient and fairly unobtrusive on our every-day lives. We will supply all materials needed (clay, twigs, calfskin parchment, etc) needed to create the Golem. All you need to do is use your magical ancient Rabbinic skills to animate said Golem! Please note! We are looking for a Rabbi to create a Golem: an anthropomorphic being created from inanimate matter from Jewish folk-lore, NOT Gollum: a former Hobbit turned into monster and looking for "precious". This is important! We have no interest in living with Gollum. We want a Golem. Please respond, serious inquiry only. <ul> <li> Location: Astoria, NY <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: no pay </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-30T18:19:48-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1578516400.html Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM. text Saw you on the Diag... - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1578369853.html You were the chick in a backpack wearing Uggs, black tights, a Northface jacket, and a headband. I was the guy wearing Michigan sweatpants, a parka, and a Michigan beanie. Hit me up, we could stare vapidly into each others' eyes without a single thought between us. <ul> <li> Location: UofM <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-30T16:36:56-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1578369853.html Saw you on the Diag... - m4w text Urban Outfitters Architect http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1577237721.html Dear Sir or Madam, As a long-time citizen of Asheville, I would like to extend my hand in gratitude to you on behalf of the citizens of this fair city I call my home. By remodeling -- née transforming -- the building which once housed the CVS Pharmacy on Haywood Street, you have not only helped Asheville cure its deficit of faux vintage tees and fake reading glasses, but also created an architectural marvel which will draw crowds for years to come. In the beginning, many lamented the loss of CVS. "Where will we find conveniently located feminine hygiene products?" they wailed! But now, after finally laying eyes on what has become of their once beloved pharmacy, I am certain these naysayers, these curmudgeons -- these nincompoops -- will agree that this view has been shortsighted. You see, what I understand -- and which I am certain everyone else will come to understand -- is that you, Mr. or Mrs. Architect, have given our quaint mountain town something which CVS could never offer: ass. With not one, not two, but three conveniently placed eye-level windows on College Street and a brilliantly positioned check-out counter just beyond, you have given us the gift of buttocks. Now, when I stroll up College Street, I no longer have to look vacantly at some barren brick wall. No, now I can peer longingly at the glorious rumps and rear-ends of a cornucopia -- a plethora -- of Urban Outfitters cashiers, all because of a pane of glass and a person with the foresight to give the public what they want. This is America. Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses? No! Give us butts in plain view and the ability to discreetly leer at them through a window as we amble up the sidewalk. Asheville -- like this fine country of ours -- contains a diverse spectrum of peoples, but we can all agree on the exquisite brilliance of backsides. And this is where your genius lies. You have united us one and all. From now on, everyone -- from the polo shirted roofier leaving The Vault to some smelly dude with face tattoos -- will be able to enjoy the rear ends of anonymous strangers, all while enjoying the grandeur of our beautiful downtown, a downtown you've helped to make just a little more beautiful and a little more grand. <ul> <li> Location: College Street, Downtown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-29T20:50:35-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1577237721.html Urban Outfitters Architect text Take Adult Star Katie Michaels to see Rangers vs. Coyotes Saturday!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1577163164.html Hi I am THE Katie Michaels as seen in Hustler's barely Legal 100 and other fine adult films. I recently attended a Cardinals playoff game with a happy football fan and now you have the chance to take me to see the Rangers Saturday night to play against our Phoenix Coyotes. Yes it stinks that Carcillo got traded but look at how good we are doing without Gretzky behind the bench! Anyways, if you would like to see the game with me I have two lower level seats (one for me one for you) and for $500 we will both go and have a great time. Check me out on www.katiemichaels.net and hit me up with your phone number by replying to this posting so that I can make the necessary arrangements. First fan gets to have me and since there is only one of me don't wait. <ul> <li> Location: Jobbing.com Arena Glendale <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-29T17:50:11-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phx/1577163164.html Take Adult Star Katie Michaels to see Rangers vs. Coyotes Saturday!!! text Orange Popsicles http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1573701441.html Okay, it's Craigslist. One day you can have free fill dirt (you haul), the next day it's tons of moving boxes all in good shape. Well, today it's orange popsicles (all in good shape, you haul). A regular box of popsicles includes cherry (my favorite), grape (so-so) and orange. I don't like the orange ones. I'm a grown-up and I don't have to eat them if I don't want to. On the other hand I can't bring myself to throw them away and I don't have children or grandchildren living in the area to give them to (assuming they would like them). I currently have a bunch of orange popsicles in my freezer. If you want them,, let me know. If you are paranoid about them, you probably shouldn't be looking for free things on Craigslist in the first place. However, keep in mind they are all "factory sealed" and whoever takes them probably isn't going to end up on the 6:00 news because they were poisoned to death by orange popsicles. Someone is going to want these things, so you better hurry. If things work out, maybe we could develop a "popsicles are ready for pickup" relationship whereby I send you an E-mail whenever the freezer overfloweth. Keep in mind that a box of 24 popsicles costs about $4.50 and you are only getting 1/3 of a box...or in this case 1/3 of several boxes. The point is I don't think you should consider driving from Estes Park for the orange popsicles. However, if you do and you are first, I will give them to you. FAQ: Q: Are the orange popsicles sugar free? A: Do I SOUND like someone why buys sugar free popsicles? No, they aren't. Q. How many orange popsicles are currently available? A. As of 3:15 on 1/27 I have 17 of them. First person to respond gets all of them! <ul> <li> Location: Lafayette <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-27T15:18:50-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1573701441.html Orange Popsicles text Faghag needed in NEK http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1573280932.html Recent Boston transplant to middle of nowhere podunk VT. About Fag: Unemployed Fag without a car and too much free time. Have had no success finding men of substance on Manhunt. Enjoys photography, urban exploration (read: trespassing), music, art, food and bad indie movies. Duties would include: Laughing at my jokes Watching bad movies on netflix Exploring abandoned houses and factories. Checking out hot guys Providing approval on possible date candidates Smoking and providing pot Providing a shoulder for crying Ideal candidate would possess some or all of the following qualities: A car Loud annoying voice Sympathy with a strong streak of vindictiveness Masculinity beyond which I posses Offers good advice while never taking her own The need to protect her Fag from violence by str8 men (typically while beating her Fag for getting into the mess in the first place) Overweight/Ginger/Lesbian tendencies to the front of the line. Auditions by appointment only. Thanks, Fag in need of a Hag <ul> <li> Location: Lyndonville <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-27T13:35:18-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/brl/1573280932.html Faghag needed in NEK text No More Sex With Fruit http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sat/1573195432.html It all started when I started dating this women whom I was crazy for. I had been in love with her since high school. From time to time she would want me to stick a banana in her before sex to get her in the mood. At first it was awkward. It eventually got to a point where I too was also having sex with fruit as a kind of foreplay. Don't judge me. I was head over heels for this woman and would do anything to make her happy. I never let her know in the beginning I was a little annoyed (and jealous) that a banana was penetraiting her wet vagina. Then I also never told her in the beginning how odd and freaky I felt the first time I stuck my penis into a orange. Although I did like her licking off the juice afterwards. I also never told her after countless times bring fruit into our bedroom that I started to like it. And that I sometime had sex with fruit while she was away at work. So that time you got upset that the last apple was missing, Jeffery really didn't come over to visit and ate it. I had sex with it. Then one day she left me. That's when I grew into a deep depression. However that depression did not stop me from continuing to have sex with fruit. I was completely satisfied, even in my depressed state. If you cut the correct size hole into anything, it could be magical. When I ejaculated I of course would throw it away. But there was one time or two the sex was so amazing I kept it around for another go-round. Then came the day when I got over the evil women who had broke my heart. I started to hate everything about her. Which brought me to a point where my I started to doubt weather or not I should continue to enjoy having sex with fruit since she introduced me to it. Around that time I was very confused on what I should do next I happened to see the evil wench. I happened to be on a different side of town and needed to run to the store for some fruit rollups (ironic I know) for my neice's lunch the next day. I strolled into the grocery store like nothing. I was just about to make a comment inside my head how ghetto the store was when I saw her. I had heard rumors that she had moved on and was seeing someone. But this time she was solo. I pretended I did not see her but it was too late. She spotted me. DAMN! I knew I should have gone to another checkout lane. I said hello and he had a forced short conversation. I could not help but notice THE FUCKING FRUIT SHE WAS BUYING! You fucking cunt, like I am not supposed to know what those bananas, apples, oranges were for? I was pissed. I decided no more sex with fruit. That was the final straw. Fuck that bitch and her kinky sexual outlets. That lasted all but a few days but then I began to get horney. NO! I couldn't do it. I toss all the fruit out my window. I WAS DONE! I had never paid for sex and wasn;t exactly sure how to go about doing that without getting caught so that was out of the question. I need stimulation! I needed something! Then as a spontanious desperate act I slammed my penis into the peanut butter. The soft sticky goo made me melt inside. What was this utopia of sexual pleasure that I had discovered? I did not know what was more pleasing. The sex with the peanut butter jar or having the dog lick it off afterwards. So to my ex.... fuck you. I am over you and over sex with fruit. I have moved on myself. To a new avenue of pleasure. And it doesn't involve anything you ever taught me. <a href="http://tinypic.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i34.tinypic.com/zo7yuh.jpg"></a> <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-27T11:52:06-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sat/1573195432.html No More Sex With Fruit text Natalie Davidson, I have one question.. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1572755558.html To my heart and my better half, Natalie Davidson, Ten months and sixteen days ago, I left my heart in Vancouver. It was one of the toughest things I've ever had to do, but it was worth it. My love for you grew stronger as I counted down the days until I would see you once more. Every kiss, every touch, every glance had to last until the next time. Every time I would hear your voice on the phone, I came alive again. It has been ten long months... but those months apart cannot compare to a lifetime together. I remember when you told me about your guilty pleasure, CL's missed connections. I had never heard of it. I thought it was bizarre, but you called it hopeful and romantic. You described how beautiful it is for one to explore this measure by just being affected by a glance or a smile. I felt your passion. I felt your love for love. Most importantly, I felt myself falling in love with you. Baby, you and I are hardly a missed connection. But the same day you told me of your guilty pleasure, you told me you secretly wished to have one written for you. I know I'm a few years late on this one... Today I will be reunited with my heart for good. And when I finally kiss you and hold your hands in mine, I will remember that not all connections are missed. In a few hours, I'll call you to wake you up like I do everyday. You'll go for your work out and come home to shower. At 9am, you'll check your emails and read missed connections like you do everyday. At roughly 12:45pm today when you pick me up from YVR, you'll answer the question I've been dying to ask for the past three and a half years. I love you. Forever yours, Julian Harper <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-27T04:50:28-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1572755558.html Natalie Davidson, I have one question.. - m4w text Plate of Melt in Your Mouth Peanut Butter Cookies with Furniture !!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1572392968.html This is a FREE beautiful oak entertainment center and it is in excellent condition. I always used it as a bookshelf but now I need the space. It is sitting at the end of my driveway in Southwest Minneapolis on West 42nd Street in Linden Hills. If you want this item you will need a pickup or be able to take it apart and it is not too hard to take apart. Super dooper bonus for you: when you come to take it away you will get a FREE freshly baked plate of "melt in your mouth" peanut butter cookies!!! Just ring my doorbell and I'll hand you the plate. If you come TONIGHT I will also hand you a FREE hot cafe latte and a FREE copy of the recipe for the peanut butter cookies which taste so amazing you will want to make more yourself!!!!!! It will be so marvelous for you! Just email me for the exact address for your gps or just come on over. Our house is the one with an entertainment center at the end of the driveway!! See you soon! <ul> <li> Location: Linden Hills SW Minneapolis <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-26T20:14:19-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/min/1572392968.html Plate of Melt in Your Mouth Peanut Butter Cookies with Furniture !!! text I'm the Girl that Ripped the Picasso Painting At The Met - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1572355186.html This was on Friday at the Met. I remember you from the elevator when we were going from the 1st floor to the 2nd floor. You were the guy wearing the red sweater... I held the door open for you and you smiled at me. I saw you again in the Cubism section. I was standing in front of The Actor painting by Picasso. You were looking at Matisse's "View of Collioure and the Sea". You were standing there for a while, sketching in a brown notebook. I was about to approach you, but froze up and ended up tripping and falling into the painting leaving a small tear. I think you left before the security got there. If you read about this in the news the next day, I'm the girl from the elevator. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-26T20:46:08-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1572355186.html I'm the Girl that Ripped the Picasso Painting At The Met - w4m text Free stuffed walrus head http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stg/1572350212.html This walrus head has been in my family for years. I have never liked it. It was given to me by my father in his will. I'm sure it's his idea of a way to get back at me for my alternative lifestyle that he never aproved of. I'm going to throw this in the dumpster if I don't get rid of it by the end of the week. I can't even sleep with this thing in my house so I'll be awake all night, feel free to give me a call at any time to let me know when you can come pick it up. CJ 435-[deleted] <ul> <li> Location: St George <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-26T18:42:31-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stg/1572350212.html Free stuffed walrus head text Insanely Aggressive, Territorial, Guard Duck, (Muscovy) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1571804942.html Hello. This posting is about "MR. DUCKY." When he was a chick, he was my favorite out of the entire flock. He was one of the few ducks that would gently nibble on my finger. He would always let me pet him and feed him spinach. Now he has become a horrible monster of a duck. His nibble has turned into a skin-tearing instrument, his feet have turned into painful, skin-piercing talons. Anything moving in the yard that is non-duck, he attacks. He attacks raccoons. He attacks dogs. He attacks cats. Now he even attacks full grown humans, galloping around the yard with clipped wings like some sort of maniac. Sandals are out of the picture now, unless I want scabs on my feet. This was semi-tolerable for a while, but now he can inflict a fair amount of pain on my calf through my work jeans, and I can't get anything done in my back yard. So this is my ad. If you want a duck that will scare/maim/fight any animal that might be threatening your flock, MR. DUCKY is the craziest damn duck I have ever seen in my entire life. He is only friendly with ducks. I don't know about chickens, but he charges crows or other birds that land in the yard. He is a great guard duck. I have a newborn son that I want to have ten fingers growing up. $40 OBO, MR.DUCKY. Upon pickup, feel free to observe his behavior. He is one-of-a-kind. Call: 253-[deleted] I live in Bremerton, will deliver. <ul> <li> Location: Bremerton <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-26T12:13:38-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1571804942.html Insanely Aggressive, Territorial, Guard Duck, (Muscovy) text To the Misinformed Animal Rights Activist Who “Liberated” My Chickens http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1571683260.html Dear Madam or Sir, Due to a long string of events surrounding the protest of a backyard poultry processing class to be held at my house (using old egg-laying hens from a local organic farm), you have decided it would be in the best interests of MY egg-laying hens to “liberate” them, i.e. steal them from my yard in the middle of the night. What worries me is not so much the trespassing, theft, harassment and dissemination of my private information (such as my home address) to the public, but is the complete misguided step you have taken to ensure I cannot care for my pets anymore. You have stolen my egg-laying hens, which I have raised from wee chicks, and relocated them to God-knows-where. There are two options here: you traumatized and killed my hens by setting them “free” in the wilderness, or, you hypocritically passed them on to someone else to enjoy the egg laying benefits. Let’s start with number 1: You took my four hens from my yard last night to set them free in their “natural environment” away from evil egg-eaters such as myself. They will die because they are domesticated animals and have no ability to fight for themselves. A raccoon will shred the chickens faster than you can beat your vegan meat. Great job, there, animal-lover. Was your plan to provide a nutritious meal to the scavenging raccoon population of Portland? Or, shall we go with number 2: You re-located my pets to some other house where the owners do not know the history of the chickens or have paid the love and attention I have given them for the past 2 years, i.e. raising them from chicks. You are a hypocrite for furthering a lifestyle that allows people to own domesticated livestock. Great job. Although chickens are not the smartest creatures of the animal kingdom, you can be assured they were still traumatized by your kidnapping and relocation process. What did you expect to accomplish, radical Portland animal rights activist? Did you think you would earn some cred with the Portland Animal Defense League who gave out all my roommate’s (and therefore my) private information on the internet? Did you want to thoroughly upset and sadden a chicken-owner trying to raise her own eggs instead of resorting to buying nameless farm factory eggs and supporting large corporations? If so, then let’s give you a pat on the back for your great success! I guess I will be buying my eggs from the store now and will look out into my backyard where my loving chickens once stood and wonder where to put my tasty vegetable scraps. Your asshole would be the next best location. Sincerely, Angie P.S. Return my chickens you ignorant fool. You bring a bad name to all activism. <ul> <li> Location: Woodstock <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-26T11:10:53-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1571683260.html To the Misinformed Animal Rights Activist Who “Liberated” My Chickens text Personal Assistant 1 hr/day 8am wanted http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1571652383.html I want to get out of the house and workout everyday. I need help motivating my body to walk out the door. I need someone to come ring the doorbell and tell me to get out of the house to go for a run, hike, kayak or such. It should only take a week of this to get me motivated enough to go on my own. <ul> <li> Location: Redmond <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: $8/1 hour/day. </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-26T10:55:26-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1571652383.html Personal Assistant 1 hr/day 8am wanted text to the person who stole my laundry detergent http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1570301353.html Hello, fellow human being. I'm sorry for whatever happened during your day/week/life that made you feel that you had to take my laundry detergent which I set atop the washing machine at the 43rd Street/Duval laundromat, around midday, today. I am more saddened by the loss of my laundry bag--the perfect mesh drawstring complete with hefty shoulder strap--which you also abducted. Yes, I know that I set it underneath the "laundromat is not responsible for your personal property sign," but no, I did not place it there intentionally in order to test fate. Maybe that's funny or ironic to you, I do not know. I wonder if you think that I am naive by leaving my detergent unattended, or if you rationalized your kidnapping decision by thinking you were teaching me a lesson. Whether or not you thought you needed to steal my bag, by doing so, you create sadness and debt for your future self. I don't want that, because when we do bad things to each other, we hurt ourselves just as much as the other person. Despite the difference in our thoughts, bodies, ideas, feelings, values, homes and relationships, we are all part of the same everything. Indeed, you have taught me a lesson, and I want to share that with you: Today I learned that no matter who you are, and no matter what situation you are in, I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I hope that you use that laundry bag, or that it finds someone who needs it as much as I appreciate it. I hope that you use every drop of that laundry detergent, and that it makes your clothes so fresh. And thank you, for making me pause during my day, and think about you, whom I will probably never meet. I am grateful for you, and I want to show you by giving you a gift. I want to take the debt that you have created today, and absorb it into myself. I don't want any more pain to come into your life. I want to relieve you of your worries, your sicknesses and your suffering, because I am no better than you or different from you. We are exactly the same. <ul> <li> Location: 43rd & Duval <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-25T16:05:36-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1570301353.html to the person who stole my laundry detergent text a big healthy shit http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spi/1568771355.html come and get it while it's still fresh has corn in it from the other night looks to be about a pound looking to trade it for a nice speed boat or something fuck i dont know email me with what your willing to trade 100 bucks takes this awesome keep sake it's a must have trust me! <ul> <li> Location: springfield illinois <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-24T18:13:43-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spi/1568771355.html a big healthy shit text EVERY male employee of St. Francis Diner - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1568708281.html I was there again this morning. I was the guy in the 4-top wearing an Argyle sweater and eating a patty melt - you were every male employee on staff. I couldn't take my eyes off of you. Each one sexy in your own way. There is clearly some discrimination going on in the hiring process, but everybody wins. You all got jobs and I get unimaginably sweet eye candy. I got all of my words caught in my throat whenever you threw me a glance. I DID want more coffee, I just couldn't move to make that clear at the moment. Shark Tooth Necklace - you might have been the cutest of them all, but Dark Blue Shades of Camouflage, your baby blues melted my butter: I felt a stirring. Gray Shirt I got butterflies, manly ones, fluttering inside of me when you came to Pop's to let us know our table was ready. Even you, Plaid Shirt and Other Guy, were astoundingly suave and polite, erotically so. I just want to take you all to some kitschy looking trailer in the middle of a desert and drink off-brand beers and listen to some music that I'd pretend I'd already heard of. We wouldn't have to take all of our clothes of right away either: we could play some Big Buck Hunter and talk about architecture and tattoos. We could mud wrestle or make a fire, maybe toss rocks at some cans lined up on a fence. If you're looking to have a six-way - or maybe a monogamous long term relationship with each other and me - I'm willing to consider it. See you soon, XoXo Randy Warmloins <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-24T15:29:02-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1568708281.html EVERY male employee of St. Francis Diner - m4m text Gong Ringer http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1568618761.html Looking for someone to ring a gong in my living room when prompted. Part time position, I imagine mostly weekends. Experience not necessary, but history of gong-related ceremony in bloodline preferred. Serious inquiries only. <ul> <li> Location: Atlanta <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: Negotiable </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-24T17:26:42-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/atl/1568618761.html Gong Ringer text Dysfunctional Family Getting It Together Moving Sale http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1563640739.html That's it. I really mean it this time. We are DONE with the dysfunctional family nonsense. I probably have to move. And even if I don't move? I still have to raise some funds quickly. I need an attorney. And so, I will have numerous items for sale, not only collectibles. I will be back later to edit this ad to make it more organized. For now, here is what I am pretty sure I can get rid of: 1. 1950's fox stole, in good condition. Well, decent condition. It does need to have at least one pelt resewn into the one next to it. I might be able to repair this if I can find the time. 2. 1950's fox thing ladies wore around their necks. I cannot recall what they are called. It's the real animal, taxidermied and stuffed. It clips around the neck. 3. LOTS and lots of vintage ladies' leather gloves, all in very good condition. Really, no one is emailing me about these. If I don't hear back from you folks here on Craigslist, you'll be forcing me to take the time to go to a consignment shop. Please don't do that. I am so short on time right now. Check out the ladies gloves, or just show some interest. These are beautiful. 4. Assorted other collectibles: demitasse spoons, glassware: Glassware includes two sets of vintage wine glasses, the ones that people today think are really just for cordials or shots. That's not the size of a glass of wine the way it used to be served. These are almost tulip shaped, flared out on top of bowl, etched with floral patterns. Both are crystal. The one set, unfortunately, the better of the two, has one broken glass. It's a very clean break at the base of the bowl. One set of cobalt, hand-blown champagne flutes. These have "markers" for them, like the things you see at Pier One and other nouveau riche, overpriced stores? The markers have pearls and/or crystals or other beads on them. 5. Loads and loads of ladies clothing. Some formal, some casual. Some excellent quality, some just so-so. Quite a few pieces of leather ladies clothing. Skirts, pants. Silk. Leather boots. Formal dresses. How I hate to part with these, but he never thought I was worth taking out like that anyway. I just play dress-ups with them myself. You know, all alone late at night, when it's quiet, and I can put on my Lady Diana black cocktail dress, the simple black one, and pretend for a while? Problem is? I'm not eight years old anymore. Obviously, I do not need this dress. Or the other formal ones. I also have these incredibly gorgeous shawls. Some are silk. What a shame that my cashmere cape went missing. I'd sell that now too. I would probably cry, but? Such is life. 6. Loads of kids clothes, toys, books; GOOD condition (Hollister, lots of name brands). Shoes? You want shoes, especially for boys and male teenagers? We've got TONS of these. Nothing but the best, but money is always such an issue. Why does this just not make sense? Is it me? Or is that just dumb? Now, tell me, just what kind of man goes out and buys a $200 bicycle for a first grader and then says he might not be able to pay child support next month? Nothing but the best, oh no. 7. Furniture. I am not sure what is staying, what is going yet. I will try to post pictures this evening. Some from 1960s, some from 1980s, some older than that. Mohagany, pecan, ash, leather, marble. Thomasville bedroom set, pier-group style headboard with lights and storage headboard, two chests of drawers on either side. Armoire with door on one side and shelves inside, drawers on the other side. Triple dresser, with two doors that open to shelves and two drawers each. This was given to me by my father; he bought it in 1980. Very nice pieces. Tropical look. Wicker trim. I do have some repairs to do on this set. All dovetailed drawers. All labeled with exactly what chest it came out of, so that they didn't get lost or help me lose my mind in all these moves. Geeze, the dysfunction has to stop. 8. Very good book collection. Please let me know what sorts of books you are interested in, and I'll go have a look and cry while I contemplate parting with my precious books. Plenty of philosophy, mythology, economics. Oxford Thesaurus, hard cover; Oxford Encyclopedia of the English Language. Text books that were too good to toss out. Wish I knew where my big cocktail-table book on Egypt was. Dad gave that to me when I was only about ten or twelve years old. I'd seen it in National Geographic. Lost in yet another move. So was the book The Age of Reason. Even my box of rocks in the mahogany dovetailed box from way back in the 30's was lost in one move. Just how does a box of rocks get lost? Lost in the dysfunction. So was my pearl necklace. And he griped at me that "moving is hard on vehicles," when I asked if I could use his brand new SUV to move some boxes, so as to save some money on the moving expenses. But I've still got lots of good books left. Pardon me, while I shed a few tears here. My books. I love them. EDIT Feb 4: Lots of history books--The Atlas of World History; several books on the World Wars; philosophy (Ayn Rand, Adam Smith, Karl Marx, etc), Algebra and Trigonometry Solver; more math and algebra text books; Barron's Study Guides--some for Spanish, some for mathematics; several John Jakes paperbacks from series (Kent Family--volume 1 and 3 [might be more here of those]), several of the Folgers Library Shakespeare paperbacks: Hamlet, Merchant of Venice, and a few more in this series; a few Harry Potter book, including a mint condition paperback edition of The Prisoner of Azkaban and one hard cover [I'll check later for that title]; Box Car Children--one or two from this series; a very cool and interesting book called Shakespeare Stories, which is a contemporary rendition of some of the bard's plays (Othello, King Lear, The Tempest, The Taming of the Shrew, Henry the IV, Part One [of my very favorite pieces of literature of all time!], Romeo and Juliet--and a few more--this is a great book for anyone who loves Shakespeare's works or also for students studying Shakespeare because the plays are written like late 20th century novels; two HP Lovecraft books, one paperback, one hard cover; a few John Grisham novels, Nefertiti and more history/anthropology books; Family Treasury of Great Biographies, volume two [George Washington, Mahatma Ghandi, Einstein, Marie Antoinette, Mark Twain]; linguistics text books/study guides; Wake Tech text books (writing text books); lots of writing guides, etc. Also, I just now realized this: I've got some cookbooks, including a brand new, never-been-used copy of Desserts by Pierre Herme. I used to have these two wonderful cookbooks from the 1950s that disappeared in some of these moves. One was called NEVER IN THE KITCHEN WHEN COMPANY ARRIVES. Oh, how I wanted to do real entertaining . . . too bad those books are missing. I have a lot of books, though so many of them have been lost or "loaned" to people who never returned them. Some are just missing. For practical reasons, if you want to buy books, I have to ask that you buy a minimum number. I'm not trying to be pushy; it's just that my time is so limited right now, and making an appointment for one or two books is just not worth my time. That sounds so snotty--I do not mean it that way. Also, someone who collects book for children in foster care emailed me. I wish she would get back in touch with me. I have so many children's books that would be great for children stuck in the limbo/hell of foster care. 8. SOME jewelry. Some is "real" stuff, but I'm not sure I'm ready to part with just yet. If you're into costume jewelry or beading, I've got it. Let me know what you are looking for, and I'll get back to you. Much of what I have are very high quality beads, some with semi-precious stones, pearls; 925 silver and GP findings; and some of it it is just junk. Swarovski crystals, flatbacks, glass pearls, Czech glass. More unfinished projects. Too much chaos. 9. New in box: stun gun (no, I did not stun him--not with the stun gun, anyway); pepper spray. Never opened the pepper spray and no, it was not for spraying him. I just thought I ought to protect myself from dangerous folks in the outside world. It was INSIDE the home that the danger lay. Both are new in the box, with price stickers on them. I'm feeling too lazy at the moment to go look at the prices. Check back, please. 10. Beach items-umbrellas, etc. One umbrella is a six-foot thatch thing, new in the box. Buy it? Lose it in the shed, forget about it, and then because money is just no object? Go buy another one. Brilliant family management. Also a beach cabana. You know, the kind that you can really set up camp with at the beach? I also used it for art shows. It can go too. Maybe my sewing machine too, and all that fabric I've collected over the years. Isn't this just pathetic? 11. Office supplies--magnetic backed paper for making cards, cutters, tools and lots more. 12. Beautiful handmade ojets d'art; send email for pictures. Trust me, these are beautiful. I made them myself, but the dysfunction got so out of hand that I was never able to properly get them to market. Or rather, the few times I did, the stock market crashed (Remember THAT? In October '08?). Or there was just no cooperation coming from those who should have cooperated. Or there was too much interference. You know, that's one lesson I've learned through all of this: Don't interfere. Just don't. 13. Antique 12 -made in 1902. Will get the info on that and put it in this ad. I found an identical one online last year, same brand, everything. Makes a nice piece for putting above your fireplace (but don't use it, for heaven's sake). Sorry, had to take this out for now. Have to check on legality of selling it. Contact me after Friday, and I'll let this go to the highest bidder. It came from an Italian stationary/lottery store in Brooklyn, from the 1920s (though it is older than that). 14. Antique desk with ink well, oak, iron legs beautifully refinished by my mother. Chair to go with it is maple, I believe. Trust me, you can beat the heck out of this thing and you won't hurt it. Very strong, sturdy pieces. Sorry, Mother, to get rid of it. Too bad I gave the children's antique mahogany desk to my friend; I'd sell that one too. 15. Solid--yes, authentic solid cherry bookshelf. It is not veneered, which is very unusual, even in high quality furniture. A good, strong bookshelf. It's a dag-goned shame that families have to make such messes out of things, because this is a very beautiful, high quality piece of furniture. I'd love to keep it. $125 for this piece. You would pay that for the junk made in China today--with chip core made out of wood chips drenched in formaldehyde (no, I'm not kidding; that's what most of that chip core stuff is: poison). Then again? Dysfucntional families are poison to the human soul. What do I care if I no longer have this THING? 16. Sealy Posturepedic queen-sized mattress and box springs. You cannot beat the quality of Sealy/Stearns and Foster. My back stopped aching when I got this bed. Someone emailed me about this. I'm sorry, but I cannot recall which reply is yours. Email me again, if you are still interested. And you know, this just occurred to me: something that would help me tremendously is the name of item[s] you are interested being put into the subject line of your reply to me. That way, I can keep better track of all this. 17. Lots of gardening tools: pots, soil, hangers. 18. Charcoal grill. Not a big one. Good to go, once it's cleaned. You give me $15 to get it off my porch and it's yours. Take all the charcoal that's left and the lighter fluid too. It's also got a cover. Not that we, in our dysfunctional style of living, used the cover. Heavens, no. So much better to make a mess and leave it for Mom to clean up. Or some cleaning fairy that never showed. I will get that picture before the day is out. I apologize to the lady who asked me several times for the picture. My computer crashed and had to be taken in for repairs. That also set me back about a week. 19. Bad time of year to be selling my hand painted Christmas tree ornaments, isn't it? If you like unique Christmas tree ornaments and are willing to be merciful with me (as in: please don't try to buy my labor and creativity for fifty cents), I can go through that stuff and find you some really gorgeous ones. Santa wizards, hand painted by me; the ornaments themselves made out of crushed pecan shells. These things went over quite well with the other side of the family, and I"m feeling like a jackass for sending my very favorite one to them for Christmas this year. Someone who took a brief look at one of them a few years ago said, "Wow, that guy looks like he could turn you into a lizard!" Ahh, come on. He's a wizard, not necessarily out to hurt you. It's all up to you. Attitude is so important. So is gratitude. 20. I have some unique family heirlooms that I can never replace. It makes me sad to think of parting with these things, but if I must, I must. I will not part with them for fifty cents, however. Contact me for pictures of these if you are interested. For reasons of privacy, I cannot describe them or post pictures of them in this ad. 21. This news just in. The pecan, beautifully kept Broyhill triple dresser with dovetailed drawers is available. French provincial, scalloped edges. Picture to come shortly. This is quite a sad thought for me to ponder getting rid of. I was going to put it in my youngest child's bedroom. Gifted to me by a very, very dear friend who would never intentionally hurt me. That picture is now attached! Hooray for computers that work! 22. More French provincial. This is a pecan marble-topped square cocktail table. The marble is real, not fake. It's from the late 1960's. It can be used as an end table as well, if your space is large enough. We've had it up against the fireplace here, like it's some cardboard box in the garage, collecting junk or jars with fireflies in them. Swell way to treat my furniture. Good thing marble doesn't dent or damage easily. Not as easily as people do, anyway. If my mother finds out I'm trying to sell this or her oak desk? I'm probably cut out of her will. But that's a once-every-four-to-five year threat anyway, so? Who cares? Mother, if you see this? I did ask you, I did, and you turned me down. What comes around goes around. Have to sell the marble topped table. Then again? There was the **other** marble topped table, the one that was really an old bakery/pasty stop piece on wheels, and YOU left it on the garage floor. Little Brother, who was so curious about it, LIKE CHILDREN WILL BE, MOTHER, tried to check it out, and it flipped over and smashed all over the floor with a great WHOOSH! That thing was on wheels, and you left it on the garage floor? Huh? It could have killed him. Or any of us. You so scared Dad that you would harm Little Brother, who accidentally and innocently moved it, where you so foolishly and dangerously left it, that Dad had to take little brother to work with him for a week that summer in 1972 or 73, because he thought you might actually harm the innocent kid who . . .just wanted to take a look at that cool thing you'd brought home. Yeah, this marble topped table is definitely for sale. I don't care if my mother finds out. At least I never almost killed a child because I stuck it on a slick floor; this piece does not have wheels and it's never been in the garage. Done deal. The marble topped table can go. Enough already. 23. I'll think of something to put here. Im just too tired for tonight. Maybe I'll sell my head. Soak it in vinegar overnight in the kitchen sink? Good as new, or so I'm told. Comes with a photographic memory. That won't leave me alone. 24. Oh, I got it! Kitchen stuff. Do you want to learn cake decorating? I've got a bunch of Wilton cake equipment/tools. Spring load pan for baking cheesecakes. And I will even give you the recipe for the NY-style cheesecake that I perfected, and I do mean perfected, a few years ago. But? They say I'm selfish, so I"m not baking cheesecakes anymore. 25. Just remembered: yes, I've got two very good quality saw horses. I'd say they're in perfect condition. If you could have just seen what he did with those things. WHAT was he thinking??? What were we both thinking? How'd we wind up in such a mess? 26. Playstation 2 set with loads and loads of games for it: Rock Band; Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring; Lord of the Ring, The Return Of The King; Medieval Total War--I have disk 2 and I think disk 1 is here too; Rome Total War, disk 2 (same thing: I think Disk 1 is here too); Star Wars Battlefront; Time Splitters 2; Dynasty Warriors 4; Medal of Honor: Rising Sun; Grand Theft Auto: Vice City--all of this in the dwelling that was supposed to be a domicile. Did someone say Vice City? That has come to an end. Forever. 27. Student violin, in EXCELLENT condition. Used for music lessons and recitals at Meredith College. Child outgrew it around age 12. The case says HYUN JIN on it. It's got a horse hair bow. Chin rest made in Canada (brand is KUN). Super Sensitive wax block. Case with zippered compartments. When I opened one of them, I found a list of songs to practice. "O Come Little Children" is one of them. Please excuse me while I grab the dish towel, since I've run out of tissues. I will take picture of this and make sure they are up tonight. I'd better, because if I think on this one too long, I know I won't be able to bring myself to sell it. I need $100 for this piece. I just got through looking at prices for these, and that's about what they are going for. That's fair, and fair is all I want or ask. I have the pamphlet/directions that came with the Playstation 2, but not the original box. Everything works. And I probably have more of the games, etc. Have to keep sifting through this rubble. Hey, look at that! In this box is one of the missing athletic shoe laces! Also, I found Coolboarders just now. I think that is Playstation 1, though. I will also consider TRADING some of these items. I need a printer. I need a few other things (besides some quiet and a bottle of time) (and prayers). If you would consider trading? Let me know. A few things I have that are not for sale, and they never will be. One is my heart. Although I've been a part of this dysfunction (no, it does not happen without the perverse cooperation also known as codepedency), I do have a good heart. That will never be sale. The bottomless box of sorrow and apologies for my children are not for sale, either. The car is not for sale, although he'd like to make me think it is. Sorry, I do not trade children for cars. Not ever. Last I heard, ownership of human beings was outlawed in this country... hmmm, sometime around 1865? Anyone recall that? Some war with battles that pitted brother against brother? Something about Gettysburg, where the trees wept because of the carnage? Human beings are not for sale, and neither is the car. To those who have written me such heartwarming responses? I thank you. I appreciate every single nice word you wrote to me. To the one person who wrote "have you considered getting therapy, lol?" I answered you, but I'll answer here for anyone else wondering the same thing: YES. And I am getting it now. Right on time. Then again, I have wanted this for so long, but it was never affordable. The circumstances have made it impossible to proceed without it. And believe it or not, folks? I am also very grateful for all that I DO have: health, loved ones, people who just smile at you for "no good reason," people who send cards at just the right time (or I find the card in an old box of golf balls, photos and mismatched flatware); memories that no one can take from me (like driving across a certain bridge and seeing my newborn son's eyes gazing at the cables through the sunroof . . . . oh, what a beautiful child and human being he is), a decent head of hair (no, it's not for sale, but I might let it grow even longer than it is now and donate it to Locks For Love--there is an organization offering services that, thank heavens, I do not need). And I am grateful that I am not living in Haiti. I appreciate all of the words of support and encouragement, and I am also reminding myself that things could be so much worse. Those people in Haiti have been through hell, and it's not over yet. Everybody, all together now: "Please, Lord, watch over the people in Haiti; comfort them." Now, for how to go about seeing these things? I cannot have a whole bunch of people show up at my home at one time. This has been an extremely difficult few months and my nerves are shot. Please use the reply function here on Craigslist, tell me what what you might be interested in, and we'll take it from there. I would need you to make appointments to see me this weekend. I apologize for sounding sexist, but for safety reasons, I will need any men to be accompanied by a woman. Oh, while I'm being politically incorrect and possibly offending some of you men out there, I also need to say this: I put my trust in God, not in checks. No offense intended-- really. Cash only, thank you. And now? PLEASE!!! Everyone out there living dysfunctional lives, wrecking yourselves and your children in the process? Get it together. Just say NO MORE!! It must stop. It has to. Lives are ruined or nearly ruined by refusals to heed the call to get one's act together. That's it. Thanks for listening/reading. I'll be back later tonight and/or tomorrow to make this a more organized listing. All my love, Mom EDIT: I will post pictures Monday of some of the items my audience has been asking for: the cherry bookshelf seems to be in great demand (can't say I blame you--what a beautiful piece of furniture). The stun gun and pepper spray. Umbrella and beach cabana. Charcoal grill. Furniture. And yes, to the beaders out there. I will get my act together on that. EDIT: I will be gone most of the day tomorrow (Friday Jan 22), but I can probably start some showings Friday evening. I'll be back later tonight with more descriptions and pictures, if I can get the camera. <ul> <li> Location: Cary <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-21T13:29:55-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1563640739.html Dysfunctional Family Getting It Together Moving Sale text Male Villain Seeking Female Arch-Enemy - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lft/1563067762.html Howdy, I'm looking for a deadly vixen to do battle with on a weekly basis. We could meet in parks, rooftops, on the top of a moving train, on top of a moving truck, on top of anything really. My last arch-enemy found a new villain to fight when she decided beating me was too easy =(. I'm looking for someone strong, but not too strong. If you're about Buffy strong, you're too strong, but if you're about Sailor Mercury strong, that's too weak. Costumes are a plus and bring a group if you want, but no more than 3 because there's a difference between losing a battle and just straight up getting jumped. Should we ever have a common greater foe, I'm all for teaming up, but just that one time. Please respond soon, I'm so out of practice. I don't even have any putties to fight. <ul> <li> Location: Lafayette, LA <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-21T03:05:52-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lft/1563067762.html Male Villain Seeking Female Arch-Enemy - m4w text 2002 Ford Focus SE Wagon http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1561958463.html 2002 Ford Focus Station Wagon. In nice shape overall, miles are high (about 180k). Was used as a delivery vehicle for medical diagnostic company, transporting urine and blood samples mainly. Unfortunately some of the samples (a rather substantial amount) spilled in the cargo area and the car does smell a bit of wee. I have tried Febreeze, but I cannot get the smell of wee out of the car, so I typically drive with the windows down and you may want to do the same. Either that, or replace the cargo area carpet and the rear seatback (splash from the spillage went on the rear seatback). Other than that, the car drives fine. Will probably need brakes and tires soon. Also, radio only pulls in AM stations. ***UPDATE: A GUY CAME OUT TO LOOK AT THE CAR LAST NIGHT AND TOOK IT FOR A TEST DRIVE. DURING THE TEST DRIVE, HE WAS APPARENTLY NAUSEATED BY THE SMELL AND VOMITED A LITTLE IN THE CAR. SO NOW IT SMELLS OF WEE AND A LITTLE BIT LIKE VOMIT.*** <ul> <li> Location: Auburn Hills <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-20T13:14:45-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1561958463.html 2002 Ford Focus SE Wagon text Prepare now for next Christmas! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1535962217.html 'Twas the week after Christmas,and all through the house the decorations came down with no help from my spouse. The stockings were packed in their boxes with care right next to the ornaments that I had placed there. When what to my wondering eyes did appear a bunch of leftover ornaments and other good gear. Some candles, some holders, a stocking kit to sew, now, needing good homes, were layed out in a row. They're ready for next year to spruce up your house, so many cute things, maybe even a mouse. So drop me a line that is ever so merry with your number to call to come over and carry The best little box, full of holiday cheer. Happy New Year to all, and a great Craigslisting Year! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-03T17:26:06-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1535962217.html Prepare now for next Christmas! text The Grinding Wheels of Justice Bunkbed http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1533779057.html So there you are, suddenly single after fifteen years of faithful monogamy that came to a crashing halt when you discovered that the other “partner” felt that monogamy only applied to one of you, and it wasn’t her. Now, despite the fact that you’ve been a hard-working sole provider for a decade and a half and you technically own half of a really nice, big, house in the burbs, you find yourself sitting in an unfurnished crappy little two-bedroom apartment little bigger than the one you first moved into straight out of college. You have an old table with one chair, a beat up couch you got from your folks back in the early 90s and which they got in the 70s, a mattress with no frame, and thank god, a tv. (But that bitch wouldn’t let you have the remote, would she?) You’re not exactly at the top of your game, but what’s worse is that you don’t know where the kids will sleep. Yea, the kids. They still love you. They want to come and see you. They did nothing wrong. But now you have nowhere (other than the couch) for them to sleep. Sound familiar? Well then have I got a deal for you. Feast your eyes upon the Grinding Wheels of Justice Bunkbed. You see, it will get better. The wheels of karmic justice may grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly fine. You will reconstruct your ego, and your life. Then you’ll slowly start having a social life. You’ll fix some of those things about yourself you always wanted to fix but didn’t have the time/energy because you were so busy being provider/husband/father. You’ll meet a brilliant and gorgeous woman who, coincidentally, happens to be much younger than you. You’ll fall in love. For her part, your ex will fall into bankruptcy, get all sorts of inappropriate tattoos, and basically ruin her own life without any help from you. But the first step to all of that is having somewhere for the kids to sleep. That’s where the bunkbed comes in. As you can see from the picture, it’s steel framed, relatively new, comes with two mattresses, and the bottom bunk is a couch until you pull it out into a futon. So here is the scale: If any or all of this applies to you, if you are the one who was cheated (male or female) on and you STILL had to move out and need somewhere for your kids to sleep: $75 and hell, I’ll throw in some pillows for you. If you are a single mother or father, perhaps for other reasons, it’s still a bargain at $100 If you are a young couple, working hard to make ends meet but doing pretty well, with your whole lives in front of you: $101 If you are the one who cheated in your marriage/partnership, the one who had to leave the house because you could not stop your libido from overruling your vows: $3,275. And I get to punch you in the face. In fact, I'll probably do that anyway, on the principle of the thing. <ul> <li> Location: Capitol Hill <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-02T10:05:13-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1533779057.html The Grinding Wheels of Justice Bunkbed text World's most uncomfortable saddle http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1533612838.html Like a ghastly specter from your darkest nightmare, this saddle has returned from the grave seeking vengeance. Its previous master thought it had banished it to the blackness of the abyss for good, but nay, it was only for an epoch. Features: *Steel rails forged by LUCIFER himself *Genuine Auroch hide seat provides maximum chafing I am reaching the end of my strength, as the madness contained within this dark artifact threatens to consume me. I cannot merely throw this adamantine saddle on the rubbish heap, lest some unwary passerby become transfixed by its lightless glow. No, I must only give this to one with the courage to look into the bloodshot eyes of insanity, and the strength to master it. A wizard with the cunning to master this beast gains an ally of unspeakable power: the ultimate theft deterrent. At the moment the thief straddles your steed, his fate is sealed. Eager for revenge upon mortals, the saddle will visit his arse with blisters that rival the torment of fire and brimstone... a dire lesson he will not soon forget. This same fate will befall any unworthy mortal who in his arrogance, attempts to mount the saddle of doom. Are you worthy? <ul> <li> Location: Green Lake <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T23:41:04-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1533612838.html World's most uncomfortable saddle text penis caught in my zipper at el biet - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1533449788.html i had just gone in for a normal pee, but the way you pounded, and pounded, and pounded on the door screaming "out! i have diarrhea! out! for the love of god come out, its coming out of my butt, pleeeeease!!!" got me so turned on that i got an erection. then, because your kicking started splintering the door, i quickly yanked up my zipper and caught my penis up in the process. i'm sorry again for the screaming as you pushed me down and sat down with the door hanging off it's hinges, but the look of sheer horror and embarrassment we shared in front of the staff and other patrons looking on before you ran out the back door and climbed over the fence has captured my heart. please describe what i was wearing so i know its you. <ul> <li> Location: williamsburg <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T22:21:02-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1533449788.html penis caught in my zipper at el biet - m4w text obnoxious drunk irish guy at the workless party on NYE - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1533217064.html We were hitting it off at first and even shared a New Years kiss. You were pretty hot and had a sexy accent. I would have gone home with you (hey, it's new years!) had you not turned out to be such an obnoxious creep. I don't know how it works in Ireland, but here are a few tips for us in Canada. 1. The way to a girls heart is not to ask her if she is a lesbian simply because she doesn't enjoy your stumbly smelly drunk friend trying to grind with her when she is completely sober and there is no one else dancing. 2. The way to a girls heart is not to point out your hard-on to her every five seconds. Yes, I know it's there and yes it's mildly flattering. But we don't need to keep talking about it. Maybe you could have offered to buy me a drink or tell me I was pretty. 3. The way to a get a girl to come home with you is not to angrily storm into coat check, pushing over the rack of coats, cutting in front of a huge line of people and loudly demanding "THIS CHICKS COAT RIGHT NOW PLEASE BECAUSE WE HAVE SOMETHING TO TAKE CARE OF KNOW WHAT I MEAN OI?" 4. And...when I was taking care of my friend who was puking....it was so nice to have you there beside us in the alley, staring at us and asking me if "she was done yet" when I clearly already told you that you had blown your chances and that I was going to stay with my friend. Thanks for coming back multiple times and staring at us from around the corner when you thought we weren't looking. That's class right there. 5. Coming up to me later and yelling "IM GONNA FUCK YOUR FACE" was also much appreciated, the cherry on top of an otherwise excellent night!!!!11 The sad thing is the jerk who this is meant for probably won't see this ad and will continue sexually harrassing women during his stay in our country, but maybe someone else could use the pointers. Regardless, I had a pretty good time on NYE. It was nice to go out and spend it in the company of my best friend even though she was sick. You know who you are, love you! <ul> <li> Location: commercial drive <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T15:20:21-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1533217064.html obnoxious drunk irish guy at the workless party on NYE - w4m text ANTIQUE hand crank Womens vibrating dildo http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/njy/1533146369.html Amazing condition for being over (70 years old) but still works great . Was my great Grandma's, and passed down to my grandma, and then to my mother. my wife was not interested in it so I need to sell ASAP need money for christmas. --------------------thank you--------------------- Hennry j <ul> <li> Location: nutley park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T17:15:38-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/njy/1533146369.html ANTIQUE hand crank Womens vibrating dildo text To the diminutive lesbian who slept in my bed last night http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ahn/1533106287.html Hey it's me, the random guy you followed home like some sort of drunken puppy dog. First of all, thank you for not stealing my stuff while I was asleep. I woke up this morning and you were gone, but you left your North Face vest. Email me with your name and we'll figure out a way to get it back to you. I'm also curious as to why both pockets are filled with beer bottle caps. Are you going to glue them to a table top, or do you just hoard things? And I'm still kind of mad at you for preventing us both from going home with that girl we were making out with. I mean, that shit was in the bag til your drunk ass ruined it. sigh. Anyway, I'm giving your vest away to the shortest girl I know if you don't find this and message me. Good luck! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T16:40:34-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ahn/1533106287.html To the diminutive lesbian who slept in my bed last night text A quick note about boobs - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1512045176.html Memo to Female Readers -- I'm just curious if you know this -- guys will do pretty much anything in order to play with your boobs. You know this already, right? Sometimes I wonder, given all the emotional and logistical acrobatics you go through. In fact, if you end your MC posts with ..."oh, and you can play with my boobs, too," you'll most likely find what you're looking for. That's when the real misery and disappointment begins, however, but that's outside the scope of this quick, heartfelt, holiday memo. Okay. Carry on. Love, Michael <ul> <li> Location: interoffice memo <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-15T19:26:38-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1512045176.html A quick note about boobs - m4w text Teach me how to kiss - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/1508509987.html I need a guy to teach me how to kiss. Ideally, it shouldn’t last longer than five minutes, seeing as how most guys creep me the fuck out. I’ll give you five dollars, so it’ll be like earning a dollar a minute. Think about it, there’s a recession going on. Who wouldn’t want five dollars in times like these? If money doesn’t appeal to you, I’d be more than happy to do your homework for you (I’m Asian). I prefer a guy who doesn’t have bad breath, open sores, or a mental disorder. Also, it’d be nice if you’re not a geriatric (30+ yrs) or jailbait (-18 yrs). Just a warning, there’s a strong possibility that I may run away mid-kiss. Please don’t take offense, and you can keep the five dollars. Please respond with a picture, I want to make sure you don’t have any lesions or swollen lymph nodes. :) <ul> <li> Location: Virginia Beach <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-13T16:44:45-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nfk/1508509987.html Teach me how to kiss - w4m text We shared a cab, you hit me in the face. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1505676272.html Hi! I am almost 100% positive you remember me. I was standing in the cab line for about 15 minutes in 1 degree weather, and then you and your girlfriend ran in front of me in the cab line right as my cab, that I had been waiting so long for out in the ball shivering cold, arrived. Now I admit, I am a nice guy, and women get to take advantage of me quite often, but that said I haven't been laid in months, and when that happens, I somehow feel that the goddess of feminine nurture and chivalry can... how do I put this? Suck my six inch piano player. This is the point where I told the cabby what you girls did, and informed him that he was throwing away the very long cab ride to Erie as well as his moral saint 1-month chip. At this point he had the very bad... very bad idea to give me (a drunken narcissist, in the right) a ride with the girls who shunted me most literally to the curb. This is where the sh*t show began. Your friend and you are both very attractive, but nevertheless I have become accustomed to, when necessary, seeing only the ugly souls of the monsters who arrogantly think they can get whatever they want. The cussing, the womanizing, the abuse, the screaming, and everything that ensued for the next 15 minutes, is unlike me. However I was not alone in this endevor, in fact I would go as far as to say that it was YOU two who did most of the screaming, and abusing. Nevertheless I stood up to the both of you. I let you know exactly how sh*tty it was to leave a stranger to freeze for the sake of your own toes. And although I am a tired soul, tired of fighting petty battles with girls, there are times when the wild thing from my youth finds the perfect combination of irritation and gravel to carve a path to the surface and cuss you the f*ck out. So I did. Somewhere along the way you hit me, good and hard across the face for addressing you by your lady parts. I probably deserved it. But even so, when your friend got out of the car, the attitude from the back seat was cut in half. This reduction in calamity is what made me flip around, to see you face to face for the next 10 minute drive to your home, perched on my knees, and just listen. I watched as you blasted me with insults and be-ration, never admitting nor denying that you intended to leave me on the cold cabby curb.Your visage melted from rage into a pool of confusion as I just sat there and listened. By the end, you were reduced to a puddle of tears, and as gratifying as it was, it is these empty moments that remind me why I hush my inner child to sleep, and open the door for you, and hold your purse, and buy you presents, and walk your dog, and keep you warm, and give you kind smiles. When you exited the cab, my body took me over, I hopped out and gave a "Hey!". You turned around, and I threw my arms out. "I'm Sorry!". You sheepishly just looked to me, and through the tears came a genuine moment. A deep smile. Full of the confusion and joy that comes with being twenty-something. I just wanted to say I appreciated that smile. In it, you told me that you were okay, that we are only human, that you value people over right and wrong. Expect to have a beer on me if I ever see you again..... <ul> <li> Location: cab stand on pearl <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-11T13:01:15-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1505676272.html We shared a cab, you hit me in the face. - m4w text To the slow winter drivers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/yup/1504407529.html Are you intimidated by winter driving? What the hell are you doing up here then? Do you know where you are? This isn't the fucking jungle or desert. You inevitably pull out in front of me when there's no one behind me, and you could've waited another 15 seconds to not make anyone slam on their brakes on ice and snow. You then continue to drive really slow, say less than half the speed limit. No one in their right mind would pass someone on roads with a 2 ft snow drift in the median during a snow storm. So, I'm stuck behind you until you pull into whatever casino, bingo hall, party, or wherever you're headed that's OK be late to. Yes, I realize that driving on slippery roads and in low visibility can be scary, so I appreciate you driving within your limits. However, don't pull out in front of a car when you know you're not going to at least go the speed limit! Just wait another 30 seconds maybe (since you obviously aren't in a hurry anyway), and you won't ruin someone elses' day. Also, when you see a line of cars 30-50 deep trapped behind you, you don't have to speed up, no, but you SHOULD pull over to let some by. You're obviously doing a really shitty job of setting the pace on this "not-safe-for-passing" road. Do us ALL a favor and let us get to our families, jobs, and real obligations, and pull the fuck over for fuck's sake! It's a common courtesy. If the shoulder has been replaced by a 14 ft wall of plowed snow (as we all know happens up here), find a decently plowed side road to pull on to for a minute. Don't be surprised or offended when you get 25 middle fingers and 37 horns out of the 50 cars you fucked for the last hour and a half that are now passing you. Here are some tips for you that will make both of our lives easier: 1. Your winter driving confidence will grow 10 fold if you get rid of that 1994 Buick front wheel drive and get something with all wheel drive. You don't need a huge truck or SUV, but just something that actually gets some traction. Try a used Subaru. They're all wheel drive, cheap, and fuel efficient. 2. Go practice in an empty parking lot, and see what exactly your limits are and those of your vehicle. You won't get arrested for sliding around an empty parking lot Sunday evening outside of town. 3. You don't want to give up your front wheel drive Buick? Get some snow tires! At least for the front two wheels, but better yet all of your wheels could use them. You will be amazed at what a good set of snow tires actually do for your driving and confidence. There's a reason why they're popular up here. 4. Wait until the last car passes before pulling on to the road. See above. Shit! 5. Stay the fuck home! Visibility to low? Too windy? Icy roads? Then don't drive to the casino to lose another $200 bucks out of your $300 paycheck and jeopardize the roads for the rest of us. Stay home and watch game shows and beat your wife/husband/dog or whatever you sleep with at night. 6. Don't like option #5? Take a cab! Believe it or not, these guys are good at winter driving. They do this for a living and they're really quite nice people. Besides, the cab ride to the casino or bingo hall will only cost a fraction of what you'll lose once you get there. Plus you save the embarrassment of getting flipped off by grandma in the Ford Expedition while passing you. 7. Move to the South. I bet you'd fit in there anyway. Not sure what their casino scene is like, but you'll find some other unintelligent way to lose money. You can keep your Buick, too! I realize the people who are actually the offenders are probably not going to read this, at least not many of them. First you have to get a computer. Then resist the urge to pawn it for casino money. If you know any of these assholes, tell them what you think about following them at 20 mph on Highway 41 or M28 for two goddamn hours. Thanks! I'll see you on the road! <ul> <li> Location: Western UP <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-10T17:49:30-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/yup/1504407529.html To the slow winter drivers text for your enjoyment http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1502156330.html Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard. Kind of feel like I gave in to the man by taking him down but my neighbor did confirm to near miss accidents on the busy street next to my house. I think I made him too real this time. So it was fun while it lasted! " <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1502156330.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Kentwood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-09T11:32:12-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1502156330.html for your enjoyment text Our Connection is Over http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1501848067.html I post this to an open forum, to purge these words from me so they can exist somewhere concrete, out in the Universe, instead of eating away at the corner of my mind when it gets dark and everyone else goes home with whoever they're loving or fucking or both if they're lucky. But it's winter now, so the season of long patio nights and random hookups and breathlessly exciting flings and sweaty sheets and sleepless nights has officially come to a close until the next turn of the seasons. In short, I can no longer distract myself from your absence. You were my best friend. There were others before, and others after, but most of them only served to help me situate and recognize your importance in my life. If ever I get that close to another, I fear they will know me only as I am now, and not as how I got here. You have been my reflection, borne witness to me, helped me gauge my own growth in this long and convoluted life. Four different cities for you, two for me. Two countries on opposite sides of the world in different hemispheres. Plane tickets, train rides, international calling plans, endless conversation, anticipation, disappointment, breakups, makeups, death. Four years. My entire University career. I am indelibly marked with your presence. And now nothing. I felt no more fireworks when we kissed. I pulled away, sickened with myself for trying to fake it. I couldn't fuck you like I meant it anymore. You noticed. You left. And now, I am not lost. I am not sad and I am not afraid. But something has died. I do not love, or laugh, or notice color. I hate the music you like now. I hate myself for not loving you enough. You did nothing wrong, except maybe love me too much, too well. Even at the end, when our hearts were so twisted up we were spitting words unrecognizable to each other, even then you were too good to say what we were both thinking- that I won't find anyone else who loved me as you did. And you're right. Because the kind of love I had with you, the one that remakes your soul into something better, and forces you to recognize and honor the humanity in another person- that kind of love isn't what I'm looking for. I'm going for the cheap ones now. The guys with square jaws and big arms and small brains. They haven't read any philosophy, or possess the gift of playful banter, or looked me in the eyes and focused on my soul. I am not doing Us justice. I am taking the easy way. I am disgusting myself. This is what's meant by falling out of love with someone. This is why half the world walks around heartbroken, glazed over, given up. I almost put that ring on and pretended everything was ok, but you didn't smell right anymore. What Now. <ul> <li> Location: Calgary <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-09T03:11:57-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1501848067.html Our Connection is Over text Be my John Roberts - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1500258239.html You're cordial to me when we see each other around school or at the bars, but I'm looking for more than a "hello" and a smile these days. I need a little something to relieve some stress during exams. Be my Chief Justice and grant cert to this appeal (for hot, hot loving). You: Mid twenties, sort of messy parted brownish hair, dressed like a grownup frat boy, slightly nerdy (but hey, it's law school, I'm a sucker for bad jokes and watching Jeopardy before/after/during sex. "I'll take consent for $800 Alex."). Me: Same general age. If looks were grades, I'd probably be summering at a decent firm. Maybe not Wachtell, but certainly not DUI defense in Detroit either. I have a laptop, drink from a reusable water bottle, and sometimes wear Uggs to school when I'm studying. If you feel the same way (and want to join me for some Rule 19 Joinder of Parties), go to Phyllis's desk and ask if she knows where to find a good hornbook. She'll give you all the information you need. <ul> <li> Location: Vanderbilt Law Library <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-08T05:09:52-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nsh/1500258239.html Be my John Roberts - w4m text Candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1498153362.html In the spirit of the season, I thought I’d create a holiday-themed quiz to weed out the bad elves. After all, nothing says Christmas like craigslist, right? 1. We’re having drinks at a Belgian bar on our first date, and we both get too tipsy (darn that Tripel Karmeliet). You realize we’re in no condition to continue to conduct an adult conversation, so you suggest: a.) we keep our plans to go see The Nutcracker and insist the alcohol won’t help put us to sleep. b.) we head to Koreatown, get even tipsier, and end up doing something we both regret (although let’s be honest here: do you ever really regret belting out Bohemian Rhapsody with tambourine backup?). c.) we head to your apartment to hook up. d.) we end our date right there so I don’t think you’re taking advantage of me. 2. I have a holiday party to attend in Hoboken this weekend and I ask you to come with me. You say: a.) “Sure, sounds like a great time! I can’t wait to travel under that glorious river connecting two beautiful cities. What time should I meet you?” b.) “Hoboken? Um. You know that’s in New Jersey, don’t you? Okay, fine, I’ll go...but you owe me.” c.) “No way, babe. I’m not allowed to leave Manhattan under punishment of death.” d.) “Of course I’ll go!” but at the last second develop a mysterious illness. 3. We’re planning to go ice skating in Central Park, but we wake up to a bitterly cold, yet rainy day. You: a.) try to convince me to go anyway because we can still have a good time even if our socks are wet and the only other people on the ice are those five year old hockey kids who speed by making you fear for your life. b.) come up with an alternate plan that involves take-out, hot cocoa, and a whole lot of not getting out of bed. c.) use the weather as an excuse to cancel our plans and hang out with a friend who just asked you to do something else. d.) are secretly glad (because you’ve hated ice skating ever since the time you fell and someone skated over your hand) but pretend to be just as upset about it as I am. 4. My good friend has been planning her New Year’s Eve party since June. I’m being unreasonable and trying to get you to come to my party even though you go to your friend’s every year. You handle my crankiness by: a.) coming to my party and helping the host set up two hours before even though she isn’t dressed yet. b.) going to your friend’s party but promising to show up to mine ten minutes before midnight and stay the rest of the night. c.) calling me un-holiday-spirited names and ignoring my apology texts until 2am when you ask me to come to your apartment. d.) coming to my party just so I won’t be angry. 5. Next Christmas I ask if you want to come to Ohio with me to visit my family. You decide to: a.) go, bearing presents for all of my siblings, an expensive piece of jewelry for me, and a question for my father. b.) fly in the day after Christmas so you can see where I got my tendency to speak loudly (it’s not yelling) and we can still make it back to the city for New Year’s. c.) freak out because I’m smothering you and decide maybe you’re not ready for this level of commitment (and anyway, Ohio? Really?). d.) not bring up the issue until the flights are just too expensive to be worth it. 6. You scrolled down to see my picture before taking this quiz because: a.) you wanted to know what color ribbon to put on the jingle bell necklace you’re making for me. b.) you wanted to make sure I was cute enough to fare well on the hot crazy scale. c.) you wanted to see if I was hot enough to warrant answering “c” for question 1. d.) nonsense! You didn’t scroll down first. Why would I automatically assume that? Your finger just slipped on the mouse. Scoring: Give yourself 3 points for each a., 2 for each b., 1 for each c., and 0 for each d. 0-3: I’m sure you’re a lot of fun when you’re not busy being a dishonest version of what you think girls want. Don’t worry though, because some elves like their partners to appear perfect in public and silently resent them at home. 4-9: Since I took the time to write this quiz, I’m clearly already way more dedicated to our relationship than you are. But it’s okay; I have faith that you will encounter plenty of elves throughout your life who will be thrilled by the challenge and try desperately to change you. 10-15: If you wanted to write me an email that used proper spelling and contained at least five coherent sentences, I’d be happy to stop talking about elves and meet in person at some point. Especially if you’re far from looking like an elf—pointy ears are fine, but I’d love it if you were at least 6’ (because I am close to it). 16-18: You either lied about your answers or are a perfect human being. Either way I’m not interested, but I’m sure somewhere out there is an excessively eager, continually optimistic little elf who will be overjoyed to meet you. BONUS QUESTIONS: True or False: The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. Fill in the blank: The most delicious holiday treat is__________. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-06T20:09:21-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1498153362.html Candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup text Jealous, controlling 300gb high-speed USB 2.0 hard disk http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1498137500.html I've long since upgraded from this unique Buffalo 300gb USB 2.0 external hard disk, and now my loss can possibly be yours, too. I bought this disk around 2005, and it was amazingly massive at the time. What wonderful times we had! Happily storing and retrieving everything I sent over her 480mbit/sec high-speed USB 2.0 link, and me happily accessing it at later dates. But as time went on, my eye turned outwards. There were so many newer, prettier hard drives out there. I admit it, I dallied. I bought a 250gb portable drive - I rationalized it. It was smaller than this one. I only needed it for when I went out. I'd always come home to my faithful Buffalo. Emboldened by this success, I became quite the rake. First came a pair of identical 500gb Seagate twins, then their younger cousin, a 500gb portable. No matter how much I had, my wanton lust for storage would not be quenched. I became irresponsible, and was known to have immodest flings. I once bought quite a tart of a 1tb disk. I spent the day with her, then returned her to the shop in the morning. Meanwhile, the Buffalo faithfully put up with it. And then, she started exhibiting some disturbing… inconsistencies. I would plug her in, dutifully waiting for the icon to appear on my desktop. I'd wait, and wait, and wait. I sometimes waited for hours or days, peering at my desktop with slavish attention, groveling for access to my miserable data. She was showing me who was really in control here, and exerting its power. I wanted to leave, but it wouldn't let me. Every time I thought about it, I'd remember all the good times we had - and more importantly, my data, which it jealously guarded. The end came unexpectedly for her, though I planned it long in advance. I spent a full two weeks sweet-talking. I put her back in a prominent position on my desk, letting the other disks know who was my favorite. We wined and dined, and I showered her with chocolate and roses. One evening, after a particularly romantic night out at Ruth's Chris, I politely asked for access to my files. And she complied… opened right up. I rushed in and plundered every miserable byte, leaving her magnetic surfaces a desolate, empty expanse. Things haven't been the same between us. They never can be. Despite all our time together, good and bad, it's time to set her free. I hope you treat each other better than we did. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-06T16:56:44-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1498137500.html Jealous, controlling 300gb high-speed USB 2.0 hard disk text The guy who lives below me . . . - m4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1497137622.html You and your girlfriend live in the apartment below me. I came home about 20 minutes ago and could easily see you bent over the couch getting banged by a dude in your living room. Next time be sure to close your vertical blinds all the way when getting nailed with the lights on, or at least angle them away from the parking lot, or maybe take it into the bedroom. FYI: I hooked up with the same dude a year ago, and though he's got a pretty big tool, he did give me crabs. Yes, I'm sure it is the same dude. His tattoos are unmistakable. Anyway, I suggest a full bottle of Rid-X before the girlfriend gets back in town. <ul> <li> Location: Raleigh -- Lake Boone Trail <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-06T01:00:08-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1497137622.html The guy who lives below me . . . - m4m text Once Upon A Hanson Fan http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/inl/1496670189.html When I was fifteen, I really thought I'd marry Taylor Hanson. No, not just like every other fifteen-year-old Hanson fan, circa 1995, but REALLY. Plan failed. Now I've found my old, embarrassing collection of Hanson crap and I want it out of my house. Here's what your new collection includes: - Ten or so VHS tapes of Hanson appearances, including two official Hanson-released tour videos, "Tulsa, Tokyo & The Middle of Nowhere" & "The Road to Albertane." (My mother cannot be blamed for encouraging this obsession.) - A cassette tape of Hanson radio interviews, songs, crap, etc. (I win for most devoted fan.) - Four cd cases (cds not included) of their first-released albums. (Sorry, but I still rock out to their Christmas album, "Snowed In.") - Two BIG albums FULL of Hanson clippings, posters, other crap, etc. (Except the one my mom tore up because I refused to sing my older sister "Happy Birthday" one year.) If you or any of your "friends" love, once loved, or plan to eventually love this band, PLEASE take this stuff off my hand. It holds enough sentimental value that I don't want to just chuck it into my recyclables bin, and god knows Goodwill won't appreciate the hard work that went into this collection. I mean shit, if you even SORT OF like Hanson, or just want to give your boss the most awesome of joke gifts. TAKE IT. And immediately. I will hand it over happily. Even if you just want to see it all out of morbid curiosity and plan on giving it to a homeless person... Well, no, don't do that. That's mean. Just take my crap. <img src="http://blog.craigslist.org/1496670189.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Redlands <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-05T13:58:35-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/inl/1496670189.html Once Upon A Hanson Fan text 1500 live ladybugs, accidently bought while drunk, feels bad. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1496543734.html So, after consuming pot brownies and getting a little too drunk on thanksgiving a friend and i decided to buy 1500 live ladybugs from amazon, which was a great idea until they came in the mail. Now they're sitting on my windowsill and I have nothing to really do with them. If i set them free they'll die in this weather, if I leave them on my windowsill they'll die. So, if you have a greenhouse or some kind of animals to feed them to it'd be awesome. I don't want to ruin 1500 lives. Email me and tell me what your'e gonna do with them, and if you can come pick them up. And they're yours. <ul> <li> Location: park slope <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-05T15:34:29-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1496543734.html 1500 live ladybugs, accidently bought while drunk, feels bad. text Wanted-- babysitter for druggies http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1495706618.html My boyfriend and I like to experiment with various recreational chemicals, but sometimes when we're coming down (like now) we don't want to go out, but we really really really want some sort of obscure, horrible fast food item. We used to have a friend that would bring us stuff and not expect much in return, but he moved away. We would like a replacement for him. We don't want to DO drugs with you, but we are perfectly willing to hook you up or bake you cookies (when we're sober) or listen to you whine about how no girls like you (as our old Tender of the Druggies did). We don't want you to stay overly long, either. Bring us stuff, chill for maybe fifteen minutes (longer if we aren't obviously exchanging looks or hinting about how tired we are or how NO WE DO NOT WANT A CUDDLE THREESOME), be on your way. We are chill people and really would like to be your friend, but this works better if you are some sort of unlikable loser, eager to please and be accepted, have lots of spare time and few friends, and are socially retarded in some other manner-- thus you are fine with an abusive, exploitative relationship of you fetching us NOMS. Anyway, hunger is becoming a serious problem after all this 2c-i so we are off to fix that. Please let us know if you would like to assist us with this endeavor in the future. We are conveniently located in downtown Ann Arbor. Nacah is Hebrew.... for adventure. <ul> <li> Location: ann arbor <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-04T23:59:58-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1495706618.html Wanted-- babysitter for druggies text Personal assistant to naturist couple http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1494039096.html Successful, well-established couple, mid-30s (she's a film editor, he's a novelist) seek a shared personal assistant to cover a wide range of tasks and responsibilities, some related to work (scheduling meetings, making travel arrangements, categorizing and responding to incoming e-mail, etc.), and some to personal matters (shopping, organizing the apartment, various other day-to-day needs, ). No children; no pets. We're not certain exactly how many hours per week we require, but it will not be less than 20, and we're prepared to guarantee 20 as a minimum, at $20-25 per hour. We're looking for someone enthusiastic, intelligent and self-motivated who is also an excellent communicator. There is one other element (as noted in the headline) that applicants need to be aware of and comfortable with: We are both naturists and accordingly often go nude in our apartment. There is no sexual aspect to this at all nor any element of exhibitionism, merely a matter of personal comfort. Anyone who works in our home simply needs to be prepared to see both of us fully or partially naked at various times. This is not an unpleasant sight (we are both entirely ordinary looking, neither staggeringly attractive nor especially unattractive) and should quickly become routine - but obviously this would not be a good position for anyone who is uncomfortable around nudity. (You do not have to go nude yourself at any time, though of course you'd be welcome to if you wanted. You merely have to be comfortable with our doing so.) If you're interested in the position, please send your resume and a brief note describing your interest and any relevant previous experience you've had. <ul> <li> Location: Upper West Side <li> Compensation: $20-25/hour <li> This is a part-time job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-03T21:53:41-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1494039096.html Personal assistant to naturist couple text Handsome ProLifer, it just won't work. - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1493509320.html You were standing outside of the planned parenthood on Professional Drive. As I walked by you tried to hand me a flyer asking if I wanted "some information on Planned Parenthood." I declined your literature, but thanked you for your concern. And may I say, you are one smokin' hot stud. It makes me sad that it would never work between us. You wouldn't want me to have affordable, accessible birth control, and when you knocked me up because of it, you'd rather we bring a child into an unhealthy relationship that was obviously doomed from the start than allow me to purchase emergency contraceptives. It's a shame though, because I know you were out there in the cold with your right to life sign believing in your heart that you were doing good. Problem is, all the people who work in that building you were standing in front of believe in their hearts that they're doing good too. And we'll never change one another's minds. <ul> <li> Location: outside of planned parenthood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-03T15:43:10-05:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aaa/1493509320.html Handsome ProLifer, it just won't work. - w4m text its Jared here, with COUCH-WOW http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1490581754.html Hey Folks, Jared here. I have a terific new product here to show you.. ITS COUCH-WOW.... and for a limited time only you too can enjoy this wonderful couch. AND ITS YOURS FREE.... thats right for just 3 easy payments of $0.00 you too can have this couch.. its a great deal.. and its all yours FREE... BUT WAIT.. THERES MORE... email.now and ask about express pick up... thats right you can pick it up right now.. FOR FREE... BUT WAIT.. THERES MORE... for a limited time only ... cause you know i cant do this all day... for the first emailer to ask.. I WILL HELP YOU LOAD IT INTO YOUR TRUCK... FOR FREE.... now you ask how this deal can get any better.. well here it is... again for a limited time only.. i will also throw in the places where the CATS SCRATCHED THE COUCH... unbeleivable?... I KNOW.. but its all yours for free.. email now.. our operators are standing by <ul> <li> Location: Coquitlam <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-01T15:43:46-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1490581754.html its Jared here, with COUCH-WOW text Restaurant Seeks Sous Chef - POSITION CLOSED, but for the haters... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1488288251.html This position has been filled, but never in my life have I ever received so much hate from a job posting, and I just want to make a few comments. The original posting remains below. 1) For all of those who wished me ill for being such a taker, bastard, and dumb ass for offering minimum wage, you'll be pleased to know that I actually pay more than minimum. That was just a way to weed out all the people too proud to work at that wage. I want people who view their job as more than just a paycheck; that want to be part of something bigger. I take very good care of my crew and they are extremely loyal. And I am very proud to actually be creating jobs in this economy. 2) I anecdotally heard through the vine that I somehow offended the crews at F2F and Jory for saying they had nice six-figure kitchens. I don't know how that ruffled feathers and as far as I'm concerned we're all in this boat together, so good for you for being in sweet set-ups. I only wish I could be as well equiped as you. 3) For all of you that understood my ad and gave me great responses, including the people that commented on it even though they weren't interested or qualified for the job, thanks for being part of a better culinary culture and wanting this valley to progress. Maybe I'll send you all invites to our soft opening when we're ready. Thanks! The Original Posting: I’m the chef/owner of a new start-up restaurant in Newberg aiming for “Affordable Fine Dining,” and am looking for a sous chef/assistant to help me in the kitchen. I’m putting together a small, tight knit staff that needs to work well together, so it is important that you have both awesome kitchen skills as well as the right personality to play nice in the sandbox. First and foremost you must have a passion for fine food and wine, and secondly have an incredible work ethic and sense of efficiency, while at the same time not being a prima donna – at all. I structure my kitchen as a team instead of assigned positions, so you’ll be expected to do a little of everything, from cleaning and dishes and garbage detail to prep and working the line for service. You must be super reliable. You are part of a very small team and are not replaceable on short notice. If you have chronic car problems, get sick all the time, or can’t work an alarm clock, don’t reply to this ad. A big part of the job is keeping me clean and organized. Not that I am a pig, but having someone working with me setting up my next task and finishing my last maximizes my productivity. At the same time you’ll also be expected to be able to think for yourself and work independently. You will be allowed to gravitate towards your strengths and be encouraged to learn new skills. Speaking of learning, you’ll learn a lot. I’m a good teacher and have been doing this for a while. A couple of years with me beats $50,000 in student loans (and if you happen to already have those loans I’ll still be happy to consider you). It’s all about the atmosphere. I run a calm yet pumping kitchen. No throwing, yelling, or screaming; no FOH/BOH battles; no panicking, freaking out, or otherwise losing it. Instead we are professional, focused, in good humor, and all working towards the same goal – putting out great food, satisfying our clients, having a good time, kicking ass, and making some money. We’re cool, in control, and have our shit together. Kindness, respect, and civility are the order of the day (except for the swearing like pirates part). Historically I have hired a statistically more significant number of women than men, for whatever that is worth. You need to be somewhat local. If you are commuting from Vancouver or NoPo it’s probably not going to work out. I’m in Newberg. No Vegetarians or Vegans. As far as I know I’m still legally allowed to discriminate against veggies, and if that offends you, you probably don’t want to work for me. And it’s not that I don’t like vegetables; I just can’t wrap my head around someone loving food and not eating tasty animals. Unlike some of the restaurants that have opened in Yamhill county recently (F2F, Jory, etc.), I’m not working with an unlimited budget, so you won’t be working out of a pristine six-figure kitchen facility. But you’ll learn how to make a ghetto kitchen sing, which has some value. The starting pay is minimum wage, with maybe a bit of an increase if you have some special skills. Yeah, all of the above expectations and minimum wage. I would love to pay my crew more, but I am unapologetically a start-up, and until I generate some income everyone works for minimum. Pay rates will increase when the economy improves. But, no kidding, we’re going to be really big in no time (and that is not naive exuberance talking). The current benefit package is free food and a bottomless bottle of Advil. I’ve got a kick-ass waitstaff in place, and am ready to shore up my kitchen staff, and then we are ready to rock. If this tirade sounds anything like you, send me an appropriate response! <ul> <li> Location: Newberg <li> Compensation: Minimum Wage - Yeehaa! <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-30T10:20:34-08:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1488288251.html Restaurant Seeks Sous Chef - POSITION CLOSED, but for the haters... text Seeking Eunuch http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1486755048.html I have been in the pornographic films industry for several years and I'm so sick and tired of dicks I can hardly stand it! If you have no genitals or are willing to have them removed then you may be the man for me. I do not like and absolutely refuse to take part in any of the following: blowjobs rimjobs footjobs buttjobs vaginajobs dirty sanchez blumpkins strawberry shortcake flaming dragon Houdini donkey punch cincinati bowtie gasmask hot lunch golden showers cleaveland steamer the Paul Rubins gramma sophie's curtains the Pittsburg landfill I'm a mac and I'm a pc how to lose a guy in ten gays or any other sexual act of any kind. If this sounds like your idea of a good time then get in touch. serious inquiries only. No weirdos please. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-11-29T12:52:48-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1486755048.html Seeking Eunuch text